In this day and age, all of us receive numerous emails from friends transmitting messages that either are ridiculous or ribald or politically insulting. Sometimes, however, they are clever, even humorous.
I must share—I won’t do it often—a particularly funny email that I recently received from a good friend in Britain. The document is a message from the queen to President Obama on Commonwealth Day (the British do love their holidays, and many love Queen Elizabeth II). I will feel free (as a Colonist) to comment in italics about the humorous jibes aimed at our country; I would feel disloyal if I refrained from defending our proud nation, once part of the United Kingdom’s vast and unruly empire.
The preamble ensues:
“In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary)
“Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
“Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
“Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed,”
Now, of course, British humor takes on even greater intensity in listing 15 rules by which Americans must abide. I will list some, but not all of them. After all, we Americans eschew dictates from a smaller country with an outsized sense of importance.
First things first. Humor, color, favor, labor and neighbor will henceforth be spelled with a “u.” That’s reasonable. We must learn to spell correctly, as determined by our kind-hearted and fastidious ruler.
July 4th no longer will be a national holiday. Sounds like a sore loser.
“You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.” For the uninformed, a grouse is any of various chiefly ground-dwelling birds (family Tetraonidae) that are usually of reddish-brown or other protective color and have feathered legs and that include many important game birds,” according to Merriam-Webster.
As part of the recolonizing of the United States of America, roundabouts will replace intersections; we will begin driving on the left side of the road; we will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. “Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.” See what I mean? How can you resist the British self-deprecation? It is so very civilized, or is it civilised?
American eating choices do not escape humorous/humourous treatment. “You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.” I have no comment. Having spent time in Manchester, England nearly 50 years ago, I agree that the big, fatty and unhealthy chips are really delicious. It’s hard, otherwise, to rave about British food.
“The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.” Again, I must concede I support this rule, as British beer (still remembered fondly despite nearly 50 years of non-consumption), was tasty, though typically warm.
The rules continue. No longer will we play American football. Soccer will become the sport of choice. “Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).” The British obviously do not respect our reverence for violence and physical mayhem on a beautiful grass field framed by H-like goal posts, as we Americans consume nachos, chicken fingers and beer.
Baseball will cease. How can we stage an event called the World Series when the game is confined only to America? “Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.” Ouch. That really stings. Our American pastime does not deserve such disrespect.
And, the final rule defines the goodness and civility of the Mother Country. “Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus, strawberries (with cream) when in season.”
As I was preparing my taxes ever so feverishly and agonizingly last week, I found British humor (no “u”) a proper salve for my financial woes. Perhaps you will too.
Columnist Howard Freedlander retired in 2011 as Deputy State Treasurer of the State of Maryland. Previously, he was the executive officer of the Maryland National Guard. He also served as community editor for Chesapeake Publishing, lastly at the Queen Anne’s Record-Observer. In retirement, Howard serves on the boards of several non-profits on the Eastern Shore, Annapolis and Philadelphia.
Write a Letter to the Editor on this Article
We encourage readers to offer their point of view on this article by submitting the following form. Editing is sometimes necessary and is done at the discretion of the editorial staff.