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June 21, 2021

The Talbot Spy

The nonprofit e-newspaper for the Talbot County Community

Point of View Angela Top Story

Silver Linings by Angela Rieck

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“I am glad that I am old.”

It was an odd and surprising comment from my 80+ year old friend. She is the most upbeat and positive person that I know. She has triumphed over adversities throughout her life by focusing on the silver lining. To her, behind every dark corner is a bright opportunity. She has been my role model.

My friend is also a lifelong Republican with solid Midwestern values who recently abandoned her party when Trump became its leader.

“I don’t want to live in the world that we are leaving,” she continued. “There is so much anger here, I am heartbroken that women will probably lose their right to choose, I can’t understand the rise in white supremacy.”

She continued. “I was a Rockefeller Republican, fiscally conservative and socially liberal. I didn’t think that my party’s core values of independence would allow them to take away women’s rights or curtail voting. We now have the worst of both parties, socially conservative Republicans and fiscally irresponsible Democrats.”

She sighed. “But most of all, it is the environment. I would not want to live in the world that is coming; climate change, population explosion, it may already be too late.”

We never discussed politics and after the conversation, I felt somewhat fearful. This was a person who could find a silver lining when she was told that she was going to lose her eyesight!

Looking for something to take my mind off our conversation, I turned on a NOVA program about electric airplanes.

It may not be widely known that airplanes are among our worst polluters…even creating cirrus clouds to increase the greenhouse effect. However, this program featured entrepreneurs who are creating innovative solutions to solve the problem. From electric helicopters that average citizens can drive, to small electric planes that can deliver packages and people; there are a myriad of ideas and innovations. Other innovators are proposing hybrid solutions to reduce emissions; while another team is adding electric fans to reduce the wing size to save fuel. Still another company has been working for 13 years to produce hydrogen powered planes whose waste emission is water. And finally, NASA is creating a blueprint for lanes for small planes, helicopters, and hybrids to fly alongside commercial aviation. Most of the innovators are US based companies.

These innovations are years away. The planes look like the early cars, funny looking vehicles that can be remotely piloted or carry a small family without endangering themselves or the environment.

And once again, science and entrepreneurship are trying to rescue us…and after the COVID 19 vaccine, I have faith that there is no problem that science and these young entrepreneurs can’t solve.

Then I was reminded of something that my grandfather said. “Always bet on this country.”

We are a nation of innovators with a strong independent and confident streak. Yea, I’ll bet on this country, too.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

The Mask by Angela Rieck

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I still wear a face mask.

I may be the only vaccinated person who wears one.

I don’t care.

This year, I enjoyed an unprecedented cold- and flu-free year. The first in my lifetime.

What else is gone? Hugs. I am not a hugger, probably something to do with my German heritage; but I feel uncomfortable with close physical contact; especially from casual acquaintances. Thanks to COVID 19, I have a ready excuse for refusing without offending huggers.

An Inconvenient Fact: Hugging releases Oxytocin (which makes us feel happy) and is considered by Mental Health professionals to be an important human connection. They also believe that those who reject hugging have issues.

Like many people, my immune system is more effective at attacking me than a virus. In the past, I suffered considerably from attending or hosting parties where an attendee was sick (“oh it’s just a little cold!”); presuming that I would either not be infected or that it would be mild (neither was true).

Tired of the continual infections and the autoimmune responses they triggered, I eventually left parties when a guest was sick, and asked infected invitees not to attend my parties. This was not well received, and I was judged harshly and criticized. Not anymore!

It feels so good not to be sick. The mask provides a socially acceptable way of reducing the risk of illness. Of course, we were lucky that COVID 19 was not airborne as many masks do not protect us from airborne viruses. Still, with my mask, I have a better chance of not getting sick!

This year, I have been able to avoid travel, which requires boarding my dogs, packing a pharmacy, staying in a hotel, flying, driving and all manner of labor intensive tasks. I can catch up with my friends and family via Zoom in the comfort of my own home with my furry companions close by.

My mask means that I no longer have to apologize for not wanting to get sick. I don’t have to apologize for not wanting to hug. I don’t have to apologize for not visiting.

So, for those of us who are susceptible to illness, do not enjoy close physical contact with virtual strangers, enjoy traffic free roads, and the comforts of our homes; this has been a welcome vacation.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Riding on the Narcissism Train by Angela Rieck

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One day I was bored and turned on the TV. To my surprise, a former friend, a minor celebrity, was featured on the show. He had been my husband’s best friend growing up. Although he and his wife lived a thousand miles away, we visited each other several times a year and traveled together throughout Europe and America. My husband and his friend went on annual golfing trips. It was great fun! One day, after returning from a golfing trip in Scotland, my husband announced he had grown weary of the relationship and didn’t want to continue it. My husband had a steady moral compass, and I always trusted his judgment. Periodically, I would ask him if he wanted to reconsider, but his answer was always no.

Watching that show, I realized why. My husband’s friend was a narcissist.

I am not a clinical psychologist, so I am not qualified to have more than a layman’s opinion. Over the years I have had some degree of involvement with several narcissists. That is not unexpected, it is estimated that 10% of the population has some degree of narcissism. Since few go to treatment (it is everyone else’s fault); it is considered a rare condition.

Why hadn’t I noticed? Because I had been on the narcissism train. And you can only identify a narcissist if you don’t get on that train or see it from the rear-view mirror.

When you are not in a narcissists’ orbit, they are easy to spot. Narcissists are self-important, exaggerate their achievements, demand attention, monopolize the conversation, talk only about themselves, exploit and have little interest in others, and, most importantly, lack empathy.

Most people know about narcissism, but many do not know that there is more than one type. And some are difficult to spot.

Malevolent Narcissists. These are the narcissists that most people are familiar with and are the most dangerous. They are easy to spot if you are not in their orbit. Here are their characteristics:

  • Dominant and controlling
  • Easily bored, looking for the next stimulation
  • Enjoy meanness, callous, mock others, lack empathy
  • Arrogant, exploitive
  • Never take responsibility and blame others
  • Rules and the norm mean nothing to them.

Many qualified psychologists and psychiatrists have diagnosed former President Trump as a malevolent narcissist; but he is not alone, there are other celebrities who fit in this category.

But there are other less obvious types.

Grandiose Narcissists. These people demand attention, can be pompous, dominate conversations and are only interested in their needs, their stories of “greatness.” They are often focused on superficial achievements. They are not malevolent and can be generous. In fact, some successful businesspeople, academics, entertainers, and politicians are narcissists. Steve Jobs was an example.

Covert Narcissists. These are the sneaky ones; and the hardest to spot. They use physical ailments, disappointments, and self-degradation to keep the attention on themselves. Often, they feel the world doesn’t recognize their greatness or that life has done them wrong. They may appear to be depressed, but they do not try to get better because the goal is to have others attend to their needs.

A close friend has a stepdaughter (Emma) who is a covert narcissist. Emma is over 50, has no friends and has never married, because (according to Emma), she is unlucky, her bosses and coworkers are mean, her friends are not there for her, and her boyfriends are not emotionally supportive.

To my friend, Emma is a victim. On every occasion and vacation, the family must focus exclusively on Emma’s constant needs; while Emma smiles painfully and says that she only wants everyone to have a good time. When my friend’s daughter got engaged, Emma indicated that she would try her best to be happy; but since Emma so desperately wanted to be married and have children, it would be very hard not to cry (she ended up crying, of course).

So obvious, right? But not when you are in the narcissist’s black hole. To my friend, Emma is unlucky, misunderstood, and underappreciated.

How do you know if you are sucked into a narcissist’s vortex? Here are some tips.

  1. Do your loved ones warn you?
  2. Do you believe this person is misunderstood? Are you his/her apologist?
  3. Do you believe that you can help this person? (Enabler)
  4. Do you find yourself attending to their needs to the exclusion of others?
  5. Are you walking on eggshells to make them happy? Are they hypersensitive?
  6. Are their compliments based on what you do for them rather than who you are?
  7. Are their compliments aimed at getting self-attention? (You look so nice; I wish I looked nice.)

If you think you are involved with a narcissist, there are a number of Internet videos that can help. Dr. Les Carter’s videos on narcissism are thorough and entertaining.

Once my celebrity friend was in my rear-view mirror, I recalled how we always followed his agenda. How he sought attention and demanded special treatment.

It is painful to watch someone you love feed the narcissist beast. It is so obvious from the outside looking in, but not to someone who is ensnared in the narcissist’s web. All we can do is give them access to information and hope that one day the scales fall from their eyes. Because once the narcissist is laid bare, the spell can be broken; and your friend can live a happier life sans narcissist.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Life’s Anecdotes: Different and Special by Angela Rieck

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Most of us want to be special. We want to be able to stick our heads out above the crowd.

Some choose to do it by name dropping. Others choose to be special by regaling us about their careers, an Ivy League education, advanced degrees, getting elected, or travel. These can be interesting; if there are interesting or amusing anecdote associated with them.

Here is one. When I was a graduate student, I was ignored by my professors and my peers. After I received my PhD; to my amazement, when I spoke the room went quiet and people turned to listen. Just a few days before, I was another obscure, obnoxious graduate student struggling to be heard, and then with a piece of paper, all of a sudden, I was special.

Others use their children to differentiate themselves. Their child is a gifted (fill in the blank).

I was disabused of this early in my parenting career. My daughter learned to walk at 8 ½ months. She wasn’t very good at it and fell constantly. But this tiny girl who only came up to my knee would turn heads.

When I took my daughter to the pediatrician for her nine month checkup; the doctor motioned to the nurse to take my daughter to another room and began questioning me about my stress level and discipline strategy. I was pleased that she cared enough to make sure that I was okay. It wasn’t until she began asking about my daughter’s bruises that I realized that she was concerned that my daughter was being abused.

I proudly announced that my daughter was walking. Whereupon the doctor asked the nurse to bring her in and my daughter demonstrated her walking skills even trying to climb on chairs.

Satisfied that my daughter was not being abused, she proceeded with the checkup. But I was looking for to be different and special; so, I asked.

“What does this mean that my daughter is walking so early?”

The doctor looked up, “It means that she is walking at nine months old.”

I had convinced myself that it had to be more significant. I imagined that perhaps it was my awesome genes or maybe my superior parenting that had produced such an advanced child. So, thinking that the pediatrician misunderstood me, I persisted.

“She has actually been walking for several weeks now. No child I know has ever walked this young. Could it mean that she is very smart or a gifted athlete?” I couldn’t stop myself. “I mean, this is really special.”

I waited for the doctor to tell me that I had produced a genius.

Instead, the doctor looked up at me and sighed. “It means that she is an early walker, that is all.”

I couldn’t give up my potential moment of glory. “But it must mean something, it must prognosticate some early development.”

She leveled a weary gaze at me (clearly tired of parents foreseeing future glory) and said emphatically. “It means that she walked at 8 ½ months, that’s all.”

Oh well, so much for reflected glory.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Baby Steps by Angela Rieck

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“Just take Baby Steps.” Advice that we have heard and given most of our lives.

Seems pretty simple, doesn’t it? Just start with small, baby steps.

Until you realize how hard baby steps are.

What is the hardest thing to get a robot to do? Walk on two legs.

Baby Steps: That first networking call you make after losing your job.

Bipedal walking is the hardest movement to achieve in robotics. “Cassie,” the most successful biped to date, looks like the Empire’s menacing All Terrain Scout Transport (AT-ST) from Star Wars. She lacks a head and arms for one thing and basically looks creepy. In fact, just getting a robot to remain standing is challenging.

Baby Steps: The first event that you attend “solo” after your divorce.

We maintain our balance through a complex system of kinesthetic awareness and proprioception (knowing where your body is) that work together to control more than 600 individual muscles. That’s right, it takes about 600 muscles to walk. And our brains must guide each one in a complex balancing act.

Baby Steps: Hosting your first Christmas after losing a child.

To accommodate what our brain does, robots use sensors such as gyroscopes and accelerometers to judge spatial awareness, but they are not even close to matching the human body. Nor are the robot’s motors as strong or efficient as human muscles.

Baby Steps: Cleaning out your recently deceased spouse’s closet.

Humanoid robots have a very distinctive lumbering (and creepy) walk. To keep from falling over, their knees must be bent, and their torso must remain as stationary as possible. But it is not the way that we walk. To support our weight, we walk with straight legs, locking our knees with each stride.

Baby Steps: Planning your late son’s memorial charity.

When we walk, we are basically always off balance. That’s why we trip a lot. Our brains are using a lot of neural circuits to do a lot of complex kinematics and dynamics problems by instinct, and if we don’t get them right, we trip. And we have reflexes. Robots don’t have them, so they still have to do it the hard way, crunching numbers every millisecond.

Baby Steps: Unpacking your belongings into your tiny apartment after losing your home.

We also instinctually know how to move our feet and legs. For a robot, it’s complicated by either “too few options” or “too many options”. Constrain the joint (by keeping its knees flexed), and there is less math to do, but much less versatility in foot placement. Give the joint freedom and more math is required and more instability occurs.

Baby Steps: Buying a wig after being diagnosed with cancer.

Robotic walking is so primitive that every time the robot falls or walks out of its training environment, it needs someone to pick it up and set it back to the right position.

Baby Steps: That first time you admit to someone that you are in an abusive relationship.

Researchers don’t yet know how infants learn to walk. They don’t even know why they walk (given that crawling is relatively efficient).

Baby Steps: Volunteering at a shelter after you learn that you cannot have children.

Scientists have just recently identified neural networks in the brain that are necessary for infants to walk. These neural networks are not present at birth (which is why some mammals like horses walk right away and human babies cannot).

Baby Steps: Joining a book club to meet new friends to start building your new life.

One thing that scientists have discovered is that babies learn how to fall before they learn to walk. They learn to fall onto the soft padding of their tushy. Or into the arms of a loving caregiver.

Baby Steps: Adopting a cat to help you combat loneliness.

When we take these baby steps we learn how to fall and whose arms will catch us. And we learn to get up again and fall and get up again.

Baby steps are a good analogy for rebuilding after your life comes crashing down.

But there is nothing little about them.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Time for Some Humor…and I Know Just the Source by Angela Rieck

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Ahh, Spring, and this is a special Spring because we missed the last one. And during Spring our hearts turn to love. For those of us who are single, it often means getting onto a dating website. Periodically I join a paid dating site…then I quit. I have met some nice people, but nothing that makes me want to change my life.

When a woman of my age joins these websites, we can be assured that most of our potential suitors will be “catfishers.” While many of them are clever and keep me in the conversation until I catch on. This latest one is so bad, that I had to share it. (Also, I need material for a column.)

There are many ways to spot a “catfisher” and often they are online all the time and they talk about how beautiful you are. They rarely answer a question. The best way to get rid of one is to ask for a Zoom meeting.

So, for all of you voyeurs out there, here is a transcript from my most recent “suitor.”

Suitor’s “Profile”: He is a widower, about 10 years my junior, average looking, has a PhD, and lives in Annapolis.

My “Suitor”: Hello There, how are you today? what an elegance of beauty. you wear a gorgeous smile . I’m Peter, your profile piqued my interest too and am keen on getting acquainted with you , i believe we can share more interest together to see how much we have in common , soon stay blessed and beautiful. Peter.

What I Think: Oh Good Lord, knowing English would be a good start.

What I Say: It is good to hear from you, you sound very interesting. What does brutally honest and passionate mean?

(That is what something that he said on his website.)

My “Suitor”: so happy to get a response from you. It means totally submissive to honesty and passionate. what do you believe it takes to build a wonderful relationship? .for me I believe that the combination of communication, trust and mutual respect is the key in any successful relationship, and you have to find someone who is on same journey with you, and is ready to compromise or disagree to agree lol , although nothing can survive without attraction and chemistry.

What I Think: This nonsense is hard to read, but I am desperate for material.

What I Say: That is so nice, but I think that you might want a younger woman.

My “Suitor” I really do appreciate your time in responding to my text, I want you to know some few points about me, I am an Engineer, I specialized on building and construction, am an independent man who loves his job and plans well for the future and I’m in search for a lovely woman who will forever remain my life partner as well as growing old together. I don’t mind about the age. I feel okay with you.

What I Think: Will he ever answer a question? But I want to string this on a little longer (at least it keeps him from “catfishing” others.)

What I Say: Annapolis is such a beautiful town, are you a sailor?

My “Suitor” I’m not a sailor, I believe in respect. So if you don’t have self respect how can you respect others, am calm reserved and I have a big heart ,always caring of others, i love to be around nature , i have a great sense of humor, am very hardworking, . outgoing, get along with just about everyone, i have a personal relationship with God and i put him first in all i do. I love to try everything at least once! I believe you sometimes have to take chances in life. My favorite time of the the year is summer, beaches, golfing vacations. am extremely passionate and very romantic. am the kind of guy that always does his best to put a smile on the face of his woman cause i will always treat her like a queen she is with so much love and respect. I truly want to find a best friend. Someone to share all the little things that matter the most . I’m far from perfect and can’t claim to be. I believe in being nice and expect the same. I have been told that I have a great personality. I love to make people laugh. I love to cook . When I say cook I’m talking about meals that you would pay outrageous prices for .

What I Think: This guy isn’t even trying; I should be insulted that he has put so little effort into this. I think that he is stringing random words together. But I am going to try one more time to see what he is up to. Then I will report him.

What I Say: That sounds lovely. So what are our next steps? I am a little old fashioned and like the man to take charge.

What I Think: Of course, anyone who knows me knows that this is NOT TRUE.

My “Suitor” I’m good looking and i can represent. I Enjoy life to the fullest! Outgoing people, love to be outdoors, bowling, dominoes, cards, bque’s, the beach, travel, festivals, movies, as well as a quiet evening at home. Ideal Woman is outgoing, carefree, great sense of humor, hard working, loves his friends and family, and have common interest. I can be a bit of a smart azz at times but its all in good fun. Look at life as the glass half full. Positive outlook on life is very important to me. Life is a beautiful thing! Should be treated as such. Have been very blessed with a beautiful 2 kids. I have some of the best friends a man can have. Took some time out for myself. Now I’m ready for that special someone to share my life with. Could you be the one, such a cheesy line huh LOL!!

What I Think: I give up…time to report him.

Thus ends my word salad suitor.

Gotta love the Internet, you can always find good material.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Finding Creativity in 2020 by Angela Rieck

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Art is dependent on creativity and, for many, creativity comes from interacting with people and our environment. So how would emerging artists would be affected by the year of isolation?

To satisfy this curiosity, I interviewed two extremely talented young artists. Hilary Devaney, 29, a surrealistic painter and David Dunn, 30, an established local sculptor.

COVID 19 impacted each of them very differently.

Hilary Devaney

Hilary Devaney had just been accepted in the highly competitive and prestigious MFA (Masters of Fine Arts) program at Columbia University for the fall of 2020. She found herself in a program with virtual classes, virtual collaboration, and virtual mentoring. As the pandemic escalated, fear and anxiety unconsciously invaded her work. Indeed, her work is a spontaneous expression of our COVID 19 journey.

As part of the initial application process, she created 20 works of art. She had just completed these paintings when New York City closed down. In the next six months, she was only able to complete 3 paintings. But lately, she finds herself being more optimistic and more creative. I selected three of her paintings that chronicle our COVID 19 journey.

The first painting, Focus, painted at the beginning of COVID 19 is a upbeat depiction of a happy young woman with her cat looking forward to life. There is early caution about the virus in the scene (playing cards and a Magic 8 ball); but the young woman remains hopeful.

As the pandemic worsened, Ms. Devaney stopped incorporating people into her art. Remember those times when the pandemic was raging with no treatment or vaccines on the horizon? Her paintings during that time radiated fear, anxiety, and loneliness represented by a “googly-eyed” horse, darker colors, and amorphous images rather than the orderly paintings she used to do. Her walls faded away, replaced by funereal images and a horse of the apocalypse.

Now that she has been vaccinated, she still sees the world in dark colors without people, but a finish line is in sight, a path back to civilization, complete with checkered flags.

She doesn’t know how her experience of the pandemic will flow through her future work, but she is looking forward to more collaboration. Last month her professors were able to see her physical paintings for the first time.

 

 

But she did think of one advantage from the shuttered city. She was able to collaborate with artists from all over the world; now only a Zoom call away.

David Dunn

Mr. Dunn is a local sculptor who is inspired by his materials, scrap metal and tools. His challenges with COVID 19 have been

vastly different than Ms. Devaney’s.

At the beginning of 2020, he had three one-man shows scheduled and had produced a number of pieces for these exhibits. 2020 was to be his breakout year. But when the pandemic hit, all of his shows had to be cancelled.

He found himself with inventory, but no effective method of promoting it and consequently, no money to pay for new materials.

With the world shuttered away, he decided to learn a new skill, blacksmithing. After selling enough pieces to purchase a forge, he began to study this craft.

His source of inspiration has been to peru

se salvage and junk yards, but they closed due to COVID 19. Many of his suppliers were no longer willing to sell…COVID 19 fear created hoarding behaviors; and he had to find new suppliers.

For Mr. Dunn, 2020, was a year of scarcity. Scarcity of resources, scarcity of buyers, scarcity of income.

But he has persevered, producing a successful show in Florida and is applying his new skills to increase the movement in his pieces (see the purple and green sculpture below). His sense of humor prevails in the names he gives his sculptures, including Sir Clamps-a-lot.

Dunn’s art evolves as he gains expertise in new skills and equipment; and he hopes that 2020 was just an aberration. When I asked if there was anything else that he wanted to say about 2020, he said simply.

“I just want everyone to get vaccinated.”

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Breaking STEMs by Angela Rieck

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PBS recently aired a NOVA episode about women and women of color in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math). It focused on the reasons why there are still few women and women of color in science.

It featured the courageous story of Dr. Jane Willenbring who, as a graduate student, had been sexually harassed by her professor on a research expedition in Antarctica. Dr. Marchant, who has since been fired, called her a slut, whore, and the “c” word. He made it clear that women didn’t belong in the field and physically harassed her and openly speculated about her sex life. He was a world-renown scientist and in order to get her degree she kept quiet, finally getting her master’s degree and going to another University to get her PhD.

She waited until she had a tenured position before filing a Title IX complaint 17 years later.

My first thought upon seeing this, was “why did she wait so long?” But then I remembered what I did. I kept silent.

I experienced dozens of incidents of serious sexual harassment (a professor closing his office door, leaning close to me, putting his hand on my knee, and telling me that if I didn’t “cooperate” I would not be getting my degree). I kept quiet and switched majors. Unlike her, I never spoke out.

Why did I keep quiet? There were a lot of reasons. At the beginning of my career, there was no such thing as sexual harassment. There were few women in STEM, and I feared that if I spoke out, I would lose everything that I had worked for. These incidents were always deliberately ambiguous. Being a powerless graduate student, I imagined my complaint would go something like this:

Professor:  I can’t believe that you thought that I was coming on to you.  I was just being friendly.  Grad students are always complaining about professors not being friendly.  Do you want me not to be friendly?

Me:  Well, uh, no, but…

Professor:  If you recall, I closed the office door because there was a lot of noise in the hallway.  You don’t remember that?

Me: Well, uh, uhm…

Professor:  And cooperate, how could you misinterpret that? I meant that you should cooperate more with your fellow graduate students, I was trying to help you.

Me: I, I, I didn’t know that I had a problem with other students. I’m sorry.

Professor (turning to the other professors): These feminists, always trying to find a problem, aren’t they? (Male professors nodding their heads.)

Being on the wrong side of the power equation, I acted like it didn’t bother me. I believed that I must be doing something wrong (not smart enough, too conspicuous, too confident); so I kept quiet, not wanting everyone to see my limitations.

In the 1990s a tenured professor at MIT, Dr. Nancy Hopkins, asked other tenured women STEM professors about their experiences. To her surprise, everyone indicated that they had experienced some level of sexual harassment. They produced a well-known report documenting the level of sexual harassment in STEM at MIT.

But research has shown that this problem is resistant to change.  There is not only explicit bias (outright harassment) there is also implicit bias against women in STEM fields. Our view of gender roles has been shaped by a lifetime of associations. (If you don’t believe that you have these biases, take the Implicit Association Test (IAT) available on the Internet.)

Researchers at Skidmore sent a resume to a representative sample of STEM faculty. The professors rated a resume of an applicant for a Laboratory Manager position. Half of the professors got a resume with a woman’s name on it; the other half got the same resume with a man’s name. The resume with a woman’s name was judged as significantly less competent in all areas. Even though it was the exact same resume.

And that is the problem called the leaky pipe. While women enter science programs in Universities at similar rates to men; by the time they obtain their PhDs, etc., only 29% remain. There are many reasons for this sharp decline, but one of them is sexual harassment.  Not the overt kind, that is obvious, it is the more insidious kind that causes one to lose confidence: unpleasant jokes, being ignored, being left out, name calling, given lesser responsibilities, research undervalued.

Things are changing, during the COVID crisis, we have been seeing more and more women scientists and doctors who are leading agencies, task forces, and being a spokesperson. More and more women and women of color are successful in STEM fields.

Over the years, the sexual harassment I experienced became less overt.

One day, I finally reported it. I had a boss who was demeaning and abusive, and I reported him for creating a toxic workplace. I don’t know why I did it, I think that I just couldn’t take it anymore and it was late in my career.

When I let one of my directors know that I had identified her as a witness; her immediate response was “that is going to cost you your career.” I shrugged.

That director called me two weeks later. “You are not going to believe this; but everyone is telling the truth; women are telling their stories.” My silence had made me believe that I was alone. But I wasn’t. HR uncovered over a dozen women who had been similarly abused, and he was dismissed.

And that is the learning, if you are experiencing abuse, speak up. It is unlikely that you are being singled out. I just hope that it doesn’t take you 35 years to learn that.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

It’s Spring! By Angela Rieck

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Spring is such a special season. It is the season of hope and rebirth. Everything is possible in the Spring. It is not a surprise that it is our favorite season; favored by 31% of women and 24% of men. (Winter, by contrast, is the favorite of only 8% of Americans.)

But when I think of Spring, I mostly think of flowers. Spring flowers signal the best qualities of Springtime; rebirth and reawakening of our senses.

Which is your favorite spring flower?

Is it the flowering trees? Red-bud trees offer a thicket of deep-pink flowers that form a network up to the sky. Or do you love the first flowering trees, the tulip trees and Bartlett pear trees whose white petals fall like scented snowflakes? How about the artistic and graceful dogwoods? Could it be the mid-season cherry and crabapple trees that offer a burst of pinks, whites, and reds?

Or are Spring bushes your favorite? Bright yellow forsythias signal the end of winter. Lilac bushes make their presence known by a distinctive fragrance that wafts through the cool Spring air. Other bushes, like azaleas, offer a shock of color, while rhododendrons and camellias delicately display their pinks, lavenders, and blues.

And who can forget the Spring bulbs? Early crocuses, daffodils and grape hyacinths signal the beginning of Spring. Fragrant hyacinths sweeten the air. Tulips are the multicolored little soldiers of Spring.

My favorite spring flowers are pansies. Pansies come in a plethora of colors: reds, oranges, purples, blues, yellows, whites, black, and dark maroons. They come with or without faces; their faces being crafted by their fifth petal and dark coloration close to the center.

In our area, pansies can survive most winters, which makes them the last flowers that I see in the fall and one of the first that arrive in the Spring. In a mild winter they can even survive in pots. This year, they successfully overwintered in my planters, their smiling faces greeting visitors and residents alike.

In the fall, as soon as the mums have finished blooming, I plant hundreds of pansies. I put them in planters, gardens with late perennials, at the edges of the lawn, and around bushes.

This was a good winter for pansies, and they re-emerged from everywhere. Their dancing faces welcomed me home from my winter migration.

So which Spring flower brings the biggest smile to your face?

Or is too hard a question?

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

The Widow and Widowers Gut Punch by Angela Rieck

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After a death, survivors are required to put their estate in order at their most vulnerable moment. To give you a glimpse of the minimum things that must be done, I provided a list at the end of this column. My circumstances were more difficult because I made the classic mistake of letting my husband take care of all our finances, taxes, and bills.

After a spouse’s death, transferring bills, closing accounts, dealing with institutions, and paying healthcare bills is a daunting, full time job. I quickly used 20 death certificates and had to order 20 more. I spent the first year grappling with summary judgements, medical bills, IRS audits, account seizure, health insurance, computer accounts, and unpaid bills. The systems designed to protect against fraud require survivors to surmount substantial hurdles when they are least equipped to do them.

Jeff and I kept separate credit cards, but while he was suffering, many bills had gone unpaid. One card had credits; but the company demanded that I pay the bill and indicated that they would immediately mail me a check for the credits. And last week, five years later, I received that check.

I promptly deposited that check (of less than $500), triggering my bank’s risk department. The check was made out to my husband’s estate of which I am the sole beneficiary. The bank refused to accept the deposit. Could I call the credit card company, and have the check issued in my name? A call to the credit card’s risk department. No.

My bank’s risk department continued with more requests. Could I send a copy of the will? Done. Could I send a copy of the letter indicating that the will was executed? Done. Death certificate? Done.

It has been five years and still the memory of the brutality of the state, federal government, social security, credit card companies, insurance, and financial institutions is raw. Social security needed our marriage license, my husband’s 35-year-old divorce decree (from his previous marriage) and the divorce settlement agreement (I couldn’t find either) to collect widow’s benefits. My husband’s death triggered an IRS audit that went back five years. I fruitlessly searched through boxes and boxes for receipts. The night before a scheduled back surgery, I received a letter cancelling my health insurance (which had been in my husband’s name). The letter indicated that while I was entitled to the insurance, I would have to reapply in my own name. My state trolled obituaries to close any account related to the decedent. And so it went, over and over again, the institutions designed to protect you, going after you at your most vulnerable time.

And the reasons for these voluminous requests are to prevent fraud. The problem is that they put the onus on the least capable person. A simple alternative would be to allow the survivor to sign an affidavit attesting that they are entitled to the benefit.

Five years later, I finally got through all of it; with one exception. Prudential still refuses to accept the executed will and is requiring the state send an affidavit that there are no other wills. I’ll have work on that one; in the meantime, Prudential gets to keep my money.

Large financial institutions have notorious risk departments that make basic transactions difficult.

Back to the present, today I got another call from my large bank. Their risk department is still refusing to allow this check to be deposited. Could I send a notice from the state saying that I am the only executor? I called the state and was informed that there is no such document, since the will didn’t go through probate.

And so it goes.

Partial List of Survivor Duties (within first year; most within first few months)

  • Contact mortuary.
  • Plan funeral or memorial service including location, food, flowers, etc.
  • Compose and publish obituary.
  • Notify friends, family, co-workers of death and upcoming service. Utilize social media to ensure broadest reach.
  • Contact the Social Security Administration—must have all marriage and divorce (if spouse had prior divorce) documents.
  • Locate most recent will.
  • Notify spouse’s employer.
  • Notify insurance companies, including life and health.
  • Change all property titles.
  • Change name on all utility bills.
  • Remove spouse from voter rolls.
  • Contact the attorney for a reading of the will and to settle the estate.
  • Pay end of life medical bills.
  • Find out about benefits due to beneficiaries. Check on retirement or pension plans. If used spouse’s medical insurance, apply for continuing coverage.
  • Notify own employer, since death of a spouse may be a “life event” that could trigger benefit decisions.
  • Check with all former employers about life insurance policies, a pension, an old 401(k), or other benefits.
  • Check with the Veterans Administration, if applicable.
  • Get claim forms and instructions. It can take weeks to receive funds.
  • Remove spouse’s name and update insurance policies, such as auto and homeowners.
  • Change titles on all jointly held bank, investment, and credit accounts.
  • Close accounts that were in spouse’s name only or change the accountholder information.
  • Send a letter to all major credit bureaus and get credit reports to see if there are any debts.
  • Add notification in credit report that says “Deceased—do not issue credit.”
  • Notify accountant/tax preparer.
  • File end of life Federal and State tax return within 9 months or sooner.
  • Sort through and donate late spouse’s belongings.
  • Get copies of spouse’s death certificate. All financial institutions, credit cards, and utilities require death certificates to close an account or to change ownership.
  • Pay bills for credit cards, utilities, car loans, property tax, insurance premiums and the mortgage.
  • Notify Medicare and other health insurance companies that you will no longer pay your spouse’s premiums.
  • Cancel club memberships and magazine subscriptions.
  • Prepare the estate. Identify which assets to donate directly to dependents and which to keep.
  • Console family and children.
  • Grieve.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.