In business we talk about the four stages of a group’s development: Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing.

The first stage, forming, is the initial stage where the group is being put together, team members join, and they establish the mission, goals and general ground rules. There’s a focus on learning about roles, expectations, and getting to know each other. This is one of the exciting phases, when all is new and possible. 

The second stage, storming, is when the group first begins and roles are new, there may be conflict or disagreement as people test the waters and see who has responsibility. There is also an air of excitement as group members join and drop out depending on the situation. 

At the norming stage, most conflicts are resolved, rules and goals are set, role responsibilities are clearer, and norms begin to be established. Team members begin to work more cohesively. 

The final stage, performing, the team has reached its “steady state” and is its most productive, focused on achieving goals, and collaborating effectively. 

However, I believe that there is more to the performing phase of group development, and in my opinion, that is the most important. Perseverance. 

Perseverance is our effort to achieve something despite difficulties, setbacks, or opposition. It’s the quality of sticking with something until it’s finished, even when it’s challenging. Essentially, it’s the ability to keep going, especially when we want to quit.

I am reading the book How We Learn to Be Brave by Mariann Budde. You may know her as the Episcopal Bishop of Washington, courageous enough to speak her values when challenged.

In one of her chapters she covers perseverance, the ability to fail and not quit, the ability to learn from mistakes and continue on. She describes her own mistakes and those of Madeline Albright and how Dr. Albright learned to recognize and attempt to fix her mistakes as she persevered despite criticism and frustration. In her autobiography, Madam Secretary: A Memoir (a whopping 920 pages), she wrote a paragraph about perseverance so powerful …my words cannot do it justice.

I have spent a lifetime looking for remedies for all manner of life’s problems, personal, social, political, global. I believe that we can recognize truth when we see it, just not at first and not without ever relenting in our effort to know more. This is because the goal we see and the good we hope for comes not as a final reward, but as the hidden companion to our quest. It is not what we find, but the reason we cannot stop looking and striving that tells us why we are here.

Perseverance is the hardest part of any process. When we see a group member frustrating the group’s ambitions, it is easy to quit or shut down rather than try to work through it. When we make our own mistakes, it is hard to own up to them in the group. Perseverance is when we want to walk away, but we know that we need to stay.

In her book, Budde talks about her own experience. She arrived at her dream church, a church that was growing, vibrant and committed to social justice; only to find that underneath this success were relationship, leadership, and infrastructure issues. She had to go through the difficult process of helping the leadership and getting funding for infrastructure, a necessary but challenging part of church leadership.

Perseverance applies not just to groups or work but also to ourselves in our everyday life, especially with relationships. Marriages, friendships, and family have their ups and downs. And if we don’t persevere, then we can lose them. Once they are lost, they could be lost forever. I have my own regrets about letting friends go when we got to difficult places. 

There is no trick to persevering, it is simply not letting temporary roadblocks become permanent. Remembering why we had a relationship in the first place before the differences and squabbles emerged. Sometimes it takes a cooling off period, but that can become permanent if we don’t persevere.

One of the secrets to a happy life is one full of friends and family. And, in most cases, that requires plain old perseverance.

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Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michael’s and Key West, Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

I am in the process of closing down my home in Florida and coming back to Maryland. It is hard. I don’t mean to attempt to garner any sympathy for my privileged life where I am able to hide out from the winter, but the transition is challenging.

So my question, is, why are transitions so challenging. 

Well for one, they disrupt routines. We like to live in predictable environments and routines. We find comfort in routines and in the familiar, and this makes adjusting to new situations, even positive ones, difficult. These transitions disrupt our habits, forcing us to re-start. Even positive transitions can involve a sense of loss, as we leave the familiar and embrace a different routine. In the case of major changes, the process of repacking old patterns and with different ones can be physically and emotionally draining. In my case I need to pack up my home, and take my two dogs on the plane and open up my home in Maryland.  

Transitions involve uncertainty which triggers fear, grief, and anxiety. As I close up my house, I wonder if I did everything, and then there are the worries about hurricanes in my absence. Larger transitions are frequently marked by greater uncertainty, such as a moving to a new home, making it difficult to anticipate the future and triggering anxiety and stress. 

Transitions can involve changes in social networks, which can intensify the stress of adaptation. In my case, I say goodbye to my neighbors in Florida and hello to my neighbors in Marland.

If we are transitioning into unknown territory, such as joining a new group or attending a party where we will not know many people, it can also evoke anxiety or fear. In a new situation, we feel unprepared, even though it’s normal to take time to adjust. 

Let’s face it, change is triggering and the one of the hardest places to be is in the transition, right before the change. The threshold of change is the most painful place to be, more difficult than the change that follows. So, it is easy to remain frozen on the threshold. 

Transitions are hard from the simple ones (such as mine) to the life-changing ones (such as a new baby or relocation), but what do the experts recommend that we do to cope? 

First, make a plan. If you can, create a list of tasks that need to be done and when will you do them. If it is something as major as a new baby, identify the people that you trust to give you advice. Knowing what to expect can reduce anxiety.

If appropriate, seek support from friends, family, or professionals. 

Take care of your physical and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that bring you comfort or joy while you are preparing.

Understand that it’s normal to experience a range of emotions during any transition. Be patient with yourself.

Most of all, stay flexible, embrace the unpredictability, and remain open to the opportunities they present.

The irony is that by the time this column is published, I will have completed this transition and be setting up different routines in Maryland. All this angst will be gone…yet will these tips help me feel better next time? Probably not.

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Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

My dog, Gus, is grieving. He misses Annie, my cockapoo who died several weeks ago. I adopted Gus after I already had Annie, so he has only known a household with her. They were close, although they did not play together (neither of them learned play in their previous dwellings), they would sleep together and just hang out. Annie would find something to bark at and Gus would join her, full throttle. 

Now my household is quiet. Gus wants to be close to me, he wants extra petting. He has lost some interest in food (this is a dog who would sell me for a hot dog) and occasionally doesn’t come when it is “treat time.” He sleeps more, but mostly it is his way of walking, his head is down, his tail droops and he doesn’t seem to have his ebullient personality.

So, I looked it up. And experts agree that animals do grieve. It is well documented in elephants and primates. Even birds have displayed grieving behaviors. So, it makes sense that our pets would grieve as well. Here are some of the signs of a grieving pet.

• Loss of appetite or refusal to eat. According to a study, about 30% of pets have decreased appetite after loss.
• Changes in their sleep patterns. They may sleep more or less than usual, or become restless. In a New Zealand study, about 30% of grieving dogs and 20% of cats napped more. Grieving animals may even hide or rest in different locations. Gus used to be relatively independent, but now he must sleep right next to me, crowding me more than usual.
• Need extra attention, or even exhibit destructive behaviors like chewing or scratching. The New Zealand study found that about 60% of dogs and cats clung more to humans after the loss of a companion. Some animals may also experience separation anxiety or become withdrawn. 
• Less energetic or lose interest in usual activities like playing or going for walks. 
• Meowing, barking, or howling more than usual. In my case, Gus is unusually quiet and doesn’t bark like he used to (which my neighbors appreciate). 
• Searching for their lost companion. Approximately 60% of pets repeatedly look for lost companions in their normal napping spots. Out of my own grief, I discarded Annie’s dog bed and Gus spent the first couple of days going to that spot and sniffing around.
• Grieving can be so extreme that pets even experience urinary incontinence, labored breathing, and changes in grooming habits. A normally fastidious pet might soil the house or miss the litter box. Another sign is excessive or inadequate self-grooming. 

So, what to do? These are the recommendations that I found.

• Some experts recommend that the pet should see the companion after she is deceased. Annie died at home, but my dogs didn’t seem too interested, in fact they kept away, as they are afraid of veterinarians.
• Provide a consistent routine. Keep daily schedules for mealtimes, exercise times, play times, and bedtimes consistent.
• Try not to let your pet see your own grief, and most of all, do not lean on pets for support. Your grief may add to their own. 
• With the loss of a family member, the household dynamic could become be temporarily unstable. In multi-pet households, if there was a clear social hierarchy, the remaining pets may try to create a new social structure. If your pet is a sole survivor, she may be lonesome. In my case, my remaining two dogs are fighting, they never have before.
• In most cases, they don’t recommend immediately adopting a new pet, especially with cats. Cats that have been very attached to a special companion do not readily accept a new “stranger” into their home. 
• Spend extra time with your pet. Engage in interactions that you and your pet enjoy, such as daily walks or brushing (especially for cats). If your pet is pacing or vocalizing excessively, try to help him settle in a bed by feeding him treats.
• Allow time for adjustment. 

The experts recommend that if you do not feel like they are making progress, you should seek professional help, especially if pets are not eating. Cats and small dogs cannot afford to miss meals. 

But mostly, in my opinion, time is the healer, and patience is your go-to. Gus wants to be next to me all the time, even when I am working. He sleeps right against me…it is uncomfortable, to be sure, but it is what he needs right now. My other dog, Sadie, never developed a bond with Annie (or Gus, yet). She was a puppy mill mom, and she learned to keep other dogs away from her puppies. So, she is not grieving, but she is annoyed that Gus is getting so much attention and they are fighting. I find myself petting both simultaneously.

So, we wait, all of us, to get through this and know that on the other side, the hole will heal, and we will be left with fond memories of Annie.

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Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

In February, I wrote about an asteroid (2024 YR4) that originally had a 3.1% projected chance of hitting the Earth in 2032. As its orbit became more predictable, this was lowered to virtually 0%. Recently they upgraded the chance of asteroid 2024 YR4 hitting the Moon to 3.8%. 

A team of astronomers recently studied the asteroid in more detail and found that 2024 YR4 likely came from the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter and has an unusually flat, disk-like shape, similar to a hockey puck. Most asteroids are believed to be shaped like potatoes rather than flat disks. 

Astronomers discovered the asteroid 2024 YR4 in December 2024 (hence the “2024” in its name). A team studying the asteroid recently determined that the asteroid is rotating very quickly, about once every 20 minutes, and estimated its size is between 98 to 213 feet (30 to 65 meters) wide.

2024 YR4 is one of the largest objects in recent history with the potential to strike the Moon. If it did hit, scientists would have the opportunity to study how the size of an asteroid relates to the size of the crater it creates on an object with little gravity.

Of course, an asteroid striking the Moon is not a novel event. One need only look at the Moon to see that it has been bombarded with asteroids in its past. Because the Moon lacks an atmosphere, Teutonic plates, and volcanic activity, the craters that we see are all due to impact collisions. Most of these impacts probably came during the time period known as the Great Bombardment. During this period, about 3.9 billion years ago, our entire solar system experienced a period of intense bombardment by asteroids and comets. These impacts formed massive impact basins and craters, which are clearly visible on the Moon’s surface. 

Asteroid impacts have also thrown out rocks from the Moon, some of which have landed on Earth as lunar meteorites. Smaller impacts from meteoroids are still occurring on the Moon today. 

If a large asteroid such as 2024 Y4 were to crash into the Moon, it would create a large crater that would eject material from the surface, but that would be the extent of the damage. There aren’t any asteroids large enough to split the Moon apart or knock it off its orbit around the Earth. In fact, the total mass of all the known solar system’s asteroids combined is less than the mass of the Moon.

Because of our human settlements, asteroids that would cause widespread damage on Earth would not cause the same problems on the Moon, even though there’s no lunar atmosphere to slow them down. There’s simply nothing to destroy on the Moon. Damage on Earth is not about the rock underneath us being disturbed, but about the cities, climate, and lives that would be impacted. 

Remembering the chance of impact is less than 4%, it is unlikely that this asteroid will glance the Moon in 2032, but scientists would be excited if it did.

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Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

This week my dog, Annie, an (almost) 19-year-old cockapoo passed away. My grief is immeasurable. 

At the end she had dementia, cataracts, and was deaf; but she loved to be by my side or watch Annie TV (watching the birds, squirrels, and bunnies running around the yard). Annie was not a normal dog, nor was she a normal rescue dog. But she adapted in ways that no one expected. She lived a happy life, loving squeaky toys, being petted on the backside, bouncing around the house joyfully, and barking (not my personal favorite). 

Annie came to me from a rescue organization in NJ where I was a volunteer. All of the other rescue groups passed on Annie because she was feral. I reluctantly agreed to take her, I already had four dogs (two of my own and two from an elderly friend who passed away) and a busy life; but I was the only real option. The other fosters were taking 8-10 dogs, and we knew that Annie was going to need more attention than they could give.

Annie was born in a puppy mill to a traumatized puppy mill mother. Unfortunately for Annie, she was a beautiful, a white cockapoo with big brown, doe eyes. She was larger than most dogs and the puppy miller knew that she would produce a lot of pretty babies. She was sold to another puppy mill. She fetched a good price.

Annie’s original home was the back of tractor trailer stuffed with dogs in crates. It had little light, no air conditioning, or heat. In was a dark, filthy, deafening home where she spent her whole life in a cage. The dogs barked incessantly, trying to alert someone, anyone, to their plight. Annie stayed in the back of her crate and trembled. There were no trays underneath the cages, allowing the poo and pee from the dogs in the above crates to rain down on dogs in the lower crates. Her feet were splayed from never being able to stand on a solid surface. When she was covered with feces and urine, she was yanked out and hosed down no matter the weather. 

Annie arrived with severely matted fur covered in excrement, her eyes were matted shut, she was unable to move, and her butt was severely matted. Our organization took her, vetted her, shaved her down; took care of her physical needs. It was my job to work on emotional needs.

Annie had a long way to go. She was at 60% of her body weight and feral. She bit vigorously and continuously. When she was not attacking, she was running and hiding, always trying to escape. She was terrified of humans, dogs, the outdoors (which she had never seen), and the world in general. Grass was scary, bunnies and birds, everything was there to hurt her. After I put her in the house, I made a cardinal error of taking her leash off. It took me an hour to catch her; she bit me more than 20 times.

I worked with her slowly, but her formative years had taken their toll. She never learned cause and effect. She had learned that no matter what she did, her life would be one of abuse and neglect. It was hard to get her to eat quality food. She ate boiled potatoes (a staple in puppy mills), and it took weeks to get her to eat meat and other foods that are natural to animals. 

It was not the easiest of journeys. It took six years to housetrain her. Food was not a motivator. She was originally suspicious of every treat, food, and toy. She could be frozen in her past trauma. 

But Annie was very resilient and eager to please. She stopped biting by the end of the first year, determined to be feral no longer. Annie had too sweet a disposition for what happened to her. Annie was too trusting, too loving, and too kind for her abysmal treatment. 

Some people give me credit for her transformation. But the truth is that it was her. She was willing to let go of her fears and see if another world was friendly to her. She was willing to trust.

Over time, Annnie became a sweet, loving dog. I learned a lot of lessons from Annie. She taught me that a fearful, feral dog can become a loving, sweet, happy, gal. Annie never gave up trying to fit in. She taught me how animals and people who are abused in their youth bear permanent scars and how fragile trust can be. 

She also taught me about empathy. The Annie that I first met had no prospect of a happy life. But she was willing to open up to another world. 

After caring for Annie, I understand the permanent scars that remain after childhood abuse, especially sexual abuse by trusted institutions. But Annie’s resiliency is in everyone. Annie taught me patience. Changes can take years…but Annie taught me that they will come.

Annie ended up living a long, happy life, she was joyous, carefree and always so sweet. She was kind to people and animals. I think I will miss her sweetness the most.

Sorry for the picture, but Annie was afraid of phones pointed at her.

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Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

There are many ways to categorize people, but one way is mindset. Do you have a destination or a journey mindset?

People with a “destination mindset” (like me) have a focus on the end result, the achievement, the completion of a task or subtask, or the “box checked.” Our motivation is to reach the specific goal or target. “Destination mindsets” have certain targets or goals in mind and work towards them. The goals can be as diverse as wanting to visit 50 countries, completing a “to do” checklist, or cleaning out the garage.

Those with a “journey mindset” focus on the process and experiences along the way. They focus on the growth that comes from the journey rather than the end result. A “journey mindset” is considered more beneficial because it can lead to greater satisfaction, resilience, and an appreciation for the experience. Someone with a “journey mindset” enjoys the process without necessarily having an end goal in mind. They want to squeeze more out of the moment. They enjoy the intricacies of the smaller things in the larger. Having a “journey mindset” is especially good when traveling. “Journey mindsets” allow them to stop and enjoy the sights, smells, or experiences of that moment.

Psychologists argue that a balanced approach, enjoying both the journey and the destination, is often the most fulfilling. But I am convinced that not all tasks are journey worthy, and not all task completions give a feeling of accomplishment. 

While I believe that we have predilections, I think that to a large extent it depends on the task. For travel, even those with a “destination mindset” take a “journey mindset” to enjoy the full experience. On the other hand, for tedious tasks, a “destination mindset” is needed to ensure that they are completed.

To improve my health, I am using a trainer to help me retain muscle while I lose weight. It is a painful and dull process, but when I finished, I feel great. I simply hate doing the exercises. On the other hand, my “journey mindset” trainer enjoys the feeling of working her muscles and seeing what she can accomplish with each exercise.

Being a “destination mindset” person, I believe that our viewpoint is underrated. First, we get the break down the “finish point.” Using my exercise as an example, after I complete each set of exercises, I feel that I have accomplished something and when the ½ hour is over, I feel exhilarated. The journey of doing these routines is painful and boring, so focusing on completing the tasks is the only way that I can get through it.

There is a downside to “destination mindsets,” we can become so focused on completing our goal, that we can ignore the learning on the journey. I had friends with “destination mindsets” who traveled and simply checked off what they came to see. At the end of the day, they were exhilarated by visiting a large number of places in a single day. Those of us with “destination mindset” can be so self-directed that we miss the subtleties. Those with a journey mindset sometimes are not able to complete the task.

Being a destination person simply suits me better. I gain confidence when I accomplish a task. My “journey mindset” friends enjoy the process. For example, I like doing puzzles, but I am obsessed with completing them, and will sometimes work on them for 12 hours straight to finish. My “journey mindset” friend enjoys fitting pieces together and is in no rush to finish the puzzle. 

Having a predominantly “journey mindset” or “destination mindset” to some extent helps define us. So, which one are you?

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Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Arguably, one of the most important books in the 20th century was Thomas Kuhn’s The Structure of Scientific Revolutions, published in 1962. Before his seminal work, science was believed to move in linear increments. Namely, science progressed in a relatively predictable way as scientists learned more and more. But instead, Kuhn demonstrated that science really progresses through what he called paradigm shifts. Scientists continue along a path until someone comes in and shakes up the prevailing wisdom. A lot of research follows to prove or disprove this radical new hypothesis, and science “leaps” into this new understanding. Kuhn’s model suggests that science progresses through periods of stability (normal science) punctuated by revolutionary upheavals (paradigm shifts). Einstein’s theory of relativity is one example, as he was the first to recognize that space and time were related. This paradigm shift involved a fundamental change in how scientists perceive the universe. 

One such interesting paradigm shift in paleontology is described in Nova’s program Hunt for the Oldest DNA.

It tells the story of Eske Willerslev, a Danish scientist studying at the University of Copenhagen. He was interested in the study of ancient DNA, but he was of no importance and couldn’t get ancient DNA samples. 

He believed that no one, including himself, would have predicted that he would become a scientist. He characterized himself as a basic failure in school. He was a rebel, a bit of troublemaker and not particularly good at schoolwork. 

While pursuing his graduate degree, he was thinking about how to get ancient DNA. And one cold and rainy day he observed a person walking her dog and the dog defecating into the soil (this was before the days of cleaning up after your pet). He wondered what happened to the DNA from the stool when it went into the dirt. Would the DNA remain in the soil?

Excited by his idea, he went over to his professor who was seated with a number of other professors and described his hypothesis. Over guffaws from the other professors, his own professor pronounced it was “the stupidest thing that he had ever heard.”

A rebel, unwilling to be deterred, he pursed this question with ancient dirt from Siberian permafrost. He discovered not just a single animal’s DNA (a wooly mammoth), but at least 12 different ancient animal DNAs and plant DNA as well. A new field was born.

Up until Eske’s discovery, ancient DNA was only available from a minute number of fossils that contained some DNA.

By the way, Jurassic Park is a myth. There is no dinosaur DNA. Dinosaurs were extinguished 65 million years ago. In a most recent study, Eske was able to find identifiable DNA fragments that were approximately 2 ½ million years old. Scientists agree that it is not possible to recover 65-million-year-old DNA.

One major problem with finding ancient DNA is that DNA degrades rapidly. Instead of a full DNA strand, only snippets of DNA remain. Before Eske, approximately 100 pairs had to be recovered to identify a species (we have 3 billion pairs of DNA steps in our DNA ladder). But a technique emerged that allowed him to identify smaller snippets of DNA in dirt. Recently it was discovered that in the soil, certain minerals like clay and quartz bind to the DNA to preserve some fragments.

What makes this particularly relevant for us is that the newly discovered DNA are from the Pliocene era. This is the era before the Ice Age, where the earth was far hotter than it is now. Scientists believe with our CO2 issue that we are headed for a warmer climate that could mimic the Pliocene age.

And the moral of the story? That by using our imagination we can even make dog poop revolutionary.

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Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

As a Floridian, one of the things that I miss the most is early spring in the mid-Atlantic. This is when the landscape shakes off its winter doldrums. Bright green shoots appear on seemingly dead shrub branches. The trees cast a light green or red tint, letting us know that large expansive leaves are growing inside of them. The grass turns a bright green, and the sap is running again, allowing evergreens to get their color.

But what this season offers the most is hope.

Those of us who are hiding from the cold weather can enjoy the orchids blooming on our trees. What is not to love about an orchid? The flowers last months. They come in a myriad of colors. They are great cut flowers. They don’t wilt, so that you can put them in bouquets, as garni or decorations. Their leaves are a dark green and complement the flower.

But I miss the hope of early spring.

This is going to be the year when my ferocious struggle with violets finally wins out. Those weedy, unwanted plants are gone forever. This is going to be the year that my gooseneck loosestrife remains contained and does not grow too high. This is going to be the year that my astilbe blooms like it did in NJ. This is going to be the year that my roses bloom nonstop.

All around early spring is hope, the forsythias are awash in yellow. The daffodils provide bright yellow color when the cheery sun is hidden by clouds. Multi-colored tulips stand upright saluting the spring. Flowering cherry and pear trees provide soft, pastel pink and white clouds against the sky. My Hellebores host masses of white and mauve flowers.

Yes, this is the year, we’ll get rain at just the right time (unlike last year), my acidifier will work, and I will have blue Hydrangeas. The crab grass and dandelions will give up. 

The cool air gives hope and promise. But then that weed emerges, you the know one…the one that you have been fighting for years, and it begins to comingle with the plants that I have carefully cultivated…if I don’t fight it early, it will take over.

And that is the problem with missing early spring in Florida…I am likely to lose the battle before it even begins.

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Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

It’s Women’s History month. And this month, I would like to celebrate Orin O’Brien. She is representative of so many women who have made contributions that we don’t always see.

For those who haven’t been lucky enough to watch it, I recommend the Oscar-winning short film The Only Girl in the Orchestra (on Netflix). It is the story of Orin O’Brien. She began her career as a double bassist in 1966 at the New York Philharmonic and was the first woman to break the gender barrier. This sounds like it should be a tribute to a pioneer in a difficult field (Zubin Mehta, for instance, believed women did not belong in an orchestra). But it is also a tribute to who she is.

Orin O’Brien was the daughter of two movie stars, George O’Brien and Marguerite Churchill, who after giving birth to her, had little time for her. Their careers were paramount, and Orin was shuffled from place to place, living with different relatives. She went to 10 different grade schools. Her parents craved the spotlight, but she never did. Instead, she chose a path where she could be part of something.

After falling in love with Beethoven and Bach at 13, she wanted to play in the school orchestra. The conductor indicated that he needed someone to play the double bass, so she practiced rigorously for 4 years to learn her craft. Her joy in playing music filled the void of a neglected childhood and helped her organize her thoughts and emotions.

She went on to play for 55 years in the New York Philharmonic orchestra and retired at the age of 87. She also taught many students. Leonard Bernstein said simply, “She is a miracle.” She was one of the best double bassists of her time.

But what she loved the most was being part of something. As she explains, the double bass is meant to be an instrument in an orchestra, not at its center stage. She loved the sound of the instrument and its temperamental nature…but she wanted to hear the other parts of the orchestra and contribute to them. 

She says the key to satisfaction in later years is to always play second fiddle. Many people are unhappy in retirement because they are no longer important. But she is content. Happy teaching her students, happy listening to an orchestra where she is not playing, happy doing things that she put off during her career. To her, creating together is better than creating alone. She preferred being in the background with the feeling of notes falling all around her. 

All of us know these women. These are the women who run book clubs and ensure that all the members are able to contribute. These are team leaders where every member feels like they are important. These are the women who quietly volunteer. These are the women who raise their families and aid other families. My mother was one of these women. I have many of these every-women in my family and among my friends. They are role models, not for taking center stage but for being a part of something and making it better. Orien O’Brien is the model of this every-woman…and like them, she is remarkable.

So, for women’s history month I would like to celebrate all of these every-women, you know them. They are quietly among us, there when we need them. They are the glue to families, friends, and teams, and they would not appreciate being singled out. But they deserve to be recognized and valued, every one of them.

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Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Retirement is called the gift because it allows us to reflect on what we have learned in life. By now most of us have become comfortable in our own skin. 

I was talking to a friend about principles that I have learned, but still sometimes find hard to follow. The first is about criticism and praise. Like everyone, I enjoy praise, and I sometimes overreact to criticism. Long ago, I learned that praise or criticism has less to do with me and more about the person who is dispensing it. 

Let me explain. Praise is the hardest concept to understand. When someone praises you it is because they appreciate something about you. For example, I was blessed with my grandmother’s blue eyes, and I get compliments on them. But the compliments are only from people who value blue eyes. But I always like hearing it. 

Praise is even more valued when the praise is about a core value. For example, I am trying, with emphasis on the word “trying,” to be kind as that is something I value. When I receive praise for that, it feels very good because it aligns with my core value. The person giving it probably shares that core value.

Criticism is easy to dismiss when you recognize that it is about the person that is giving it. Back to my blue eyes example, if someone really liked brown eyes and not blue eyes, they might criticize my eyes as bloodshot or pale. It is easy for me to ignore that criticism because I know that this is their individual preference and has nothing to do with the eyes I was born with. However, if I am criticized for not being kind that is a core value that will hurt more and I will need to assess if it is valid. I might determine that their criticism indicates that their views about kindness are different from mine. For example, what if I ask someone who butted in front of a long line (which in my value system is not kind) if they are aware where the end of the line is? They might respond that they didn’t know and thank me (which happens most of the time) or they might respond that I am being rude (unkind). Then I have to take my values of kindness and decide to accept or reject their criticism. 

Another situation that I am seeing more of these days is adult bullying. Bullying can arise from a desire to exert dominance, a need to bolster one’s own fragile self-image, a profound lack of empathy, or a recognition of wrongdoing. Therefore, when being exposed to bullies it is important to realize their bullying is not about you, it is about their need to assert themselves. Adult bullies often disregard the personal limits or rules others have set. They tend to attack someone’s character, appearance, abilities, or background. Public shaming is another tactic that involves humiliating or embarrassing someone in front of others. There is also cyberbullying through social media, emails, or messaging apps.

Most people who are demeaned often feel less than, but the secret is that most observers actually see the bully in a negative light and are sympathetic to the person who is the victim. 

And that knowledge is important. 

Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” She understood the power of self-belief and the importance of not allowing others to dictate our self-worth. While bullies may try to make us feel bad about ourselves, ultimately, it’s our choice to accept those feelings. Since the offender’s motivations are about themselves, it is easier to make the choice not to be affected by bullying.

Equally important is that most who witness this “humiliation” are actually in the corner of the victim. 

Gandhi shared a similar perspective, “They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them.” Mahatma Gandhi also believed that self-respect is critical in life, stating that “I cannot conceive of a greater loss than the loss of one’s self-respect.” To Gandhi, all individuals, regardless of their circumstances, possess inherent dignity and self-worth. 

And that is the important lesson; by allowing bullies to humiliate us, we are allowing them to take away something that is inherently ours. 

It’s a good reminder that in these times we need to hold onto our own self-worth and be confident in who we are. It allows the criticism and bullying to be recognized for what it is, a seriously flawed person lashing out into empty space.

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Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.