I am researching another piece on COVID 19, but looking at my publication date, I realized that a timelier piece would be about this holiday.

My spiritual practice (which is a fancy way of saying prayer), is to light a candle before sunrise and reflect on what I am grateful for.  It is a great way for me to focus on the positives in my life. (Although I will admit in my more grumpy or anxious mornings, it is a short recitation.)  I have also found that I have to discipline myself not to suggest an improvement (for example, “I am grateful for the sunshine of this morning, but it would be EVEN BETTER if it were warmer.”)  As we used to say in business, everything before the “but” is bull*&%!.

This practice makes it easy to write a column about gratitude on Thanksgiving.

Here is a partial list:

• I am grateful for the warm and loving embrace of my family. I walk taller, I smile more, knowing that anytime things get rough, I can find peace and joy in the warm cocoon of their unconditional love.
• I am grateful for my daughter, who has blossomed into a beautiful spirit, incorporating all her father’s best traits. Her father would be proud.
• I am grateful for past loves, past joys, memories, past mistakes, and past mentors who have guided me.
• I am grateful to have known and loved those people and animals that I have lost.
• I am grateful for my friends, new and longtime, all of whom I can depend upon at anytime and who allow me to give the same support in return.
• I am grateful for this election, which will bring stability to the White House. I am especially grateful to those who voted for the country over their personal agenda; and others who refuse to be sucked into baseless conspiracy theories about the electoral system when their candidate didn’t win.
• I am grateful for my furry COVID companions, who seem to be unphased by the pandemic.
• I am grateful for health care workers, transportation personnel, teachers, and all those who put themselves at risk to save others and keep the country going.
• I am grateful for science and the scientists who have been working tirelessly to save us.
• I am grateful for technology that allows us to remain close even when we cannot be.
• I am grateful for citizens who do their part to curtail the spread of the disease.
• But most of all, I am grateful for people with open hearts, who think of what to give before they consider what to receive. Every one of you is a blessing and may your hearts be overflowing with gifts of love.

It is not a bad list for such a terrible year.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Last week I saw an elderly gentleman with a No Socialism bumper sticker.  I had to smile, knowing that he is one of the primary recipients of socialism through Social Security and Medicare.  The average citizen contributes a maximum of $125K in social security taxes over 40 years.  This investment is increased by employer contribution and inflation…but even when making favorable calculations, after 13 years of retirement (and for most it is less), we are relying on Government Socialism.  The average Medicare benefit we receive is 2 ½ times our contribution.

The point of this is NOT to advocate eliminating or reducing Social Security benefits, but it is to acknowledge them; and be open to extending this largess to others.

Helping others is a core agenda of the Democratic Party. And since the Democratic Party has won the popular vote in 7 of the last 8 presidential elections, it is clear that the country agrees.

Democrats owe their success to a coalition of youth, African American, Latina women, and college educated white voters. This coalition believes that the United States needs to take a larger view of America’s needs.

Today, the younger generations are shouldering a greater burden than we carried. College tuition is so expensive that many students graduate with significant debt. Affordable childcare and health care are hard to find.  The Affordable Care Act eliminates pre-existing condition restrictions but remains expensive.  The environment is under siege and this generation will pay the price for our refusal to act.

Due to discrimination, the African American population desperately needs changes in the criminal injustice system, social services support, and well-paying jobs in their neighborhoods.

The immigrant population requires compassion and legislation to get us out of this mess.

Good paying manufacturing and service industry jobs are not available to many, since most have moved offshore to take advantage of tax laws passed by Congress.

And everyone needs relief from COVID 19 fall out.

Sounds scary. Conservatives are justifiably concerned about Federal Budget deficits.

But it depends on how we ask the question. Rather than ask “Can we afford these benefits?” why not change the question to “What can we do to fund these benefits?”  And equally important, “How can we prevent them from becoming entitlements.”

Using this perspective, it is easy to find opportunities within the Federal Budget. Elizabeth Warren proposed a tax plan that would impact only those with over $10M net worth.

Congress needs to pass legislation that incents companies to retain and return jobs in America; and legislation that rewards employers who improve the environment.

We can also get cost savings and revenues from thinking differently. Here are two: reform the criminal injustice system and decriminalize and tax marijuana.

The United States has the highest incarceration rate in the world, at 655 per 100,000 people (20% for nonviolent drug possession); while our Canadian neighbor incarcerates 114 per 100,000.  Due to a racial caste system, this disproportionately impacts the African American population. Reducing the prison population could save as much as $60 B annually.

Here is another: legalize marijuana (now legal in 16 states) and collect $10B in Federal excise taxes on it.

See how easy this can be when we use a problem-solving mode rather than a “socialism for me but not you, perspective?”

But before I close, I would like to give a “shout out” to Republicans who recognized that the country was more important than their agenda and voted to bring back sanity to the Presidency.  The nation is also indebted to Trump supporters who accepted the election results and refused to demean our electoral process.  I want to sincerely thank you all for putting America first.

And Democrats need the conservative voice that recognizes the value of American business, fiscal responsibility, entrepreneurship, and the importance of financial markets.

I know that this is naïve.  Both parties have legislative leaders who are more concerned about their party and their personal power than the country. Lobbyists are firmly entrenched.

But Democrats have promises to keep…and rather than make this a burden or an obstructionist Congress, wouldn’t it be great if we saw this as an opportunity.  Democrats and Republicans, let’s roll up our sleeves.

We have work to do.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

My broker called me November 4th, to tell me that “the street” (meaning Wall Street) believed that Biden would ultimately win the Presidency and that markets would respond very, very favorably over the week.

“Really?” I remarked.  “But the Stock Market hates Democrats.”

My broker, who has Republican blood running through his veins, sighed, “Wall Street is excited that there will now be an adult in the Oval Office.”

Wall Street was not alone. The international community also rejoiced.  The church bells rang in Paris. Congratulations poured in from all but totalitarian regimes such as Russia.

America is too important a country to be run by someone who is unskilled in diplomacy.  In the past, we have set the standard for decency and humanity, it is time to take back our place in the world.  The PT Barnum Presidency is fading like a scary Twilight Zone episode.

The Corona virus is arguably the most pressing issue, some experts fear that as many as 400,000 people could die by the end of the year. Witness the difference between Biden’s Coronavirus task force, filled with scientists, and the Trump Coronavirus task force, composed primarily of bureaucrats holding infrequent meetings.

On Saturday, celebrations erupted in most major cities.  But few were celebrating more than New Yorkers, where Biden won almost 85% of the vote in Manhattan (Trump’s home turf).

New Yorkers have known about Trump for some time. Trump has had over 3500 lawsuits, some for nonpayment, others for racial discrimination in housing and evictions (and this is not typical for a Real Estate developer).  Trump had a reputation in NYC for not paying small contractors who didn’t have the legal resources to fight back.  After his father died and he was no longer able to fund Trump’s failures, Trump used bankruptcy (5 times), as his strategy for nonpayment.  New Yorkers understand that his wealth is façade, his business skills a mirage.  NY banks ended their association with Trump, which required him to develop a dangerous dependency on Russian and other foreign banks.  The Trumps have used Federal funds to build their wealth and repaid our government’s largess with miniscule taxes.

As his 71M voters watch his refusal to concede; his requirement that vote counting cease where he was losing and continue where he was gaining; and his demeaning of the US electoral system; I hope that many will see the Donald Trump that New Yorkers knew. His pouting, his tantrums, his grifting, his churlish behavior, and his profound disrespect are in full view now, as he seeks to find someone to blame for his loss.

New Yorkers had to learn the hard way that this emperor has no clothes.

Hopefully, the crazy conspiracy theories will subside (no, JFK Jr. is not alive; yes, we landed on the moon), and we can get back to real issues.  Running a country as great as ours requires self-control, political savvy, and a desire to put our country first.

As Paris Mayor Anne Hidalgo tweeted, “Welcome back, America.”

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Over a year ago, I presented a case for eliminating the electoral college.  This election is another example of its inherent weakness.  But for a couple hundred thousand votes, President-Elect Biden could have lost despite gathering almost 5M more votes.  The percentage differential is greater than either of George Bush’s election wins.  Yet, the outcome was in doubt until November 7th.

Unfortunately, our system over represents the isolated, less educated, rural parts of America, both in the electoral college and the Senate.  Why is this problematic?

I believe that all of us live in our bubbles.  We are kind and generous to those within our bubble.  Our bubbles can be expanded by experience with different kinds of people, education, and travel.  Those who live in rural communities do not have as much opportunity to expand their bubble.  Why is that important?

It is difficult to empathize with a group of people that we don’t know.  As our bubbles expand, we meet more people who are not like us, learn about their needs, and understand that they are just like us just in a different color, religion, or belief.  Empathy comes from “walking a mile in their moccasins.”

The other differential between the urban and rural communities are the news channels that they watch.  To better understand the conservative perspective, I watched Fox News coverage this week and discovered, while that their “slant” is definitely Republican/Conservative and they often report Trump’s message without fact checking; most of the news was accurate.  When we got to the evening commentators, however, all accuracy, decency, and humanity went out the window; and I had to stop watching.

On the other hand, the channels that I prefer are more accurate but demonize President Trump.

The conservative news channel focused on the economy (as it relates to Wall Street) and maintaining conservative Christian values.  The moderate and liberal news channels focused on the dispossessed, COVID 19, and injustice.

The news that informs us within our bubbles divides us.

So how to we bring the better angels of our nature to help us work together?

I have a solution.

I propose that we require all news programs to hire independently certified fact checkers who will “beep” into a commentator when there is misinformation and provide an accuracy score at the end of the program. That way, all of us can learn if/when there is disinformation. Commentators (on both sides) who report inaccurate information will find their programs frequently interrupted and disrupted which might bring down their viewership and lessen their credibility.  (And impose similar requirements on social media channels.)

Many of us are single or small issue voters. (I personally vote for choice, education, healthcare, and racial justice.) Some Trump voters that I knew had been convinced by their media that Democrats would take their guns away (physically impossible). Other Trump voters from the broader bubbles voted on the economy, and fear of tax increases.

We see things differently, but if we can minimize the misinformation, we will find more agreement than disagreement.

President-elect Biden also believes this.  He believes that we are a kind and generous nation.  Now it is time for us to focus on what we agree upon (health, infrastructure, economy) with empathy for all sides; and move forward.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

I wander along the St Michaels nature trail several times a day. It offers a quiet place to reflect and a variety of natural landscapes: water, woodland, a horse farm, and grassland to experience. Its diversity meets the needs of a multitude of wildlife and people. I have found new friends on the trail, and I converse regularly with others who transect my path.

Most are fellow transplants or returnees…and many of us have come here for healing.

It is instinctual, being drawn to nature for healing and restoration. I am drawn to the serenity of the phalanx of creeks and rivers that quietly weave through the Eastern Shore landscape.

For others, the mountains with their dark green, verdant forests and bright snow crusted peaks, provide inspiration to recharge.  Still others are nourished by the desert’s rugged, harsh landscape and unrelenting blue sky. Then there are those who prefer frozen landscapes where mounds of snow dampen sound and the crystal clear, cold air magnifies the crunch of footsteps and the raptors’ calls.

But if you need water, the Eastern Shore is the place to be. Those who need to feel the power and vastness of a rhythmic, booming ocean and the sting of salt air go to the coast. And those of us who like the wide, gentle rivers and creeks that softly weave through the land, come to the midshore.

Medicine has always relied on the healing power of nature, Hippocrates said “Nature itself is the best physician.”

But it took awhile for scientists to confirm what our souls already knew. Nature is restorative, it is a place to go to heal and rebuild.

Scientific research has proven that being in nature just 30 minutes a day lowers stress, lowers blood pressure, lowers heart rate, improves the immune system, and even reduces the risk of cancer and heart disease.

Scientists have recently discovered that inhaling aromatic compounds from plants and trees (called phytoncides) increases our body’s production of natural killer (NK) cells; a vital immune system weapon against viruses and nefarious cells.

Environmental psychologists have demonstrated that watching nature with a sense of awe brings out the better angels of our nature.  We are less entitled, less selfish, more generous, and more empathic when we connect to the natural world.

Nature provides symptomatic relief from depression, anxiety, and attention disorders. Walking in nature increases our creativity, problem solving ability, memory, and can mitigate some symptoms of early Alzheimer’s.

The next question is how?  How does a simple walk among grasses, water, and trees change our bodies and our brains?  In addition to aromatic compounds, it is believed that the air near moving water, forests, and mountains contains high levels of negative ions which may be responsible for body and brain changes. Studies have demonstrated that brain activity changes after exposure to nature.

But science is limited by what it can measure.

Humans are limited by what we can sense.

Nature has no such constraints.

Einstein said, “Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.”

History has taught us that what we know is not all that there is.  It is logical to believe that there are energies that we cannot measure, spectrums we cannot see, and vibrations we cannot hear.  But nature has invisible rhythms that do not need to be measured or dissected, just experienced.

“There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature – the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter.” Rachel Carson

“I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees.” Henry David Thoreau

“Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you.” Frank Lloyd Wright

“Nature’s peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms, their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.”  John Muir

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

I read a lot of nonfiction books; lately I have been interested in “self-help” books. Books that help me become better, happier, more content, more confident, etc.  But while I am momentarily drawn in, I forget them within a couple of weeks.

However, I never forget the lessons that I have learned from people. Here is one of my most memorable.

Back in the late 80’s, I left Bell Labs for AT&T International to satisfy a desire for global travel. I was a mid-level manager and surprised to find that one of my colleagues in her late 40’s was at the same level. I assumed that she had been passed over for promotions and had accepted that this was the highest level that she would achieve.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

My colleague was in her fourth year of starting over.  She explained that her husband, who was President and CEO of a large corporation, left her and took everything. Until then she had lived an exciting life as an executive’s wife.  She hosted large parties, traveled the world in a private jet, enjoyed decorators, gardeners, and cooks…a country club life.

She and her husband met in college, got married after graduation and her role was to help him move up the corporate ladder. Then one day, her husband announced that he was leaving her for his assistant…and that he was completely broke. She was blindsided. When she asked how he could have cheated on her, he laughed and told her that he had hundreds of dalliances during their 20-year marriage. Bewildered, in shock and broken, she accepted the divorce, moved out of the home, and in her forties, began her search for her first job.

The woman that I met was upbeat and positive, looking forward to her career.  I asked her why she wasn’t angry, why she didn’t feel betrayed. She replied that at first, she did, especially after she discovered that he had hidden their assets. But she quickly realized that her anger was only hurting her; wanting revenge would not hurt him, as he had expensive lawyers at his disposal; and would only prevent her from moving forward.  Forgiveness was her only reasonable option.

I was amazed by her calmness.  But it was genuine, and pretty soon her ex-husband and even his new wife were calling her for marital advice.  She graciously listened and gave advice when she could.  I was incredulous, but she explained that he was the father of their son and she wanted to make sure that they could co-parent effectively.

Eventually her ex-husband, realizing his mistake, left his second wife and begged her to come back.  She declined.

“Didn’t that feel good, to be validated?” I asked.

“Not at all. I have moved on,” she explained.  “I don’t want that old life back.  I want him to be happy, but I don’t want to be in his life anymore.”

Her ex was convinced that she was “punishing” him and pursued her with an intensity that only a high-level executive can.  Yet, she stayed firm and gently redirected his interest.

She went on to have a great career, becoming the director of Public Relations for Asia.  We are still in touch today.  Her ex is still pursuing her (despite having ended yet another marriage).

I think about all the people who I have met who are angry or bitter and the countries and religions that still feud over past wrongs.  Stuck in anger, they cannot move forward.  I also reflect on the grace of people who have practiced forgiveness and how their lives have become larger.

Nelson Mandela believed that forgiveness was the most powerful tool in our arsenal.

Indeed.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

The retirement chapter of life has been my most challenging.  Perhaps because I was thrust into it without a plan.  Like many readers, I have lived a (heretofore unrecognized) privileged life.  Despite some disappointments and tragedies, I could rely on the support of a loving and supportive husband, daughter, friends, and family. I found meaning in a successful career.

I raced through life, balancing everything.  I expected my life to go well.  And, for the most part, it did.

Until it didn’t.  I was unprepared for what followed.

There are many courses and books available to help; but, as I usually do, I look to people to inspire me.

So, what I have learned?  First, I have stopped racing through life and recognize that it is a gift, health is a gift, friends are a gift, family is a gift.  Gratitude and happiness are choices.  I guess I can summarize my learning into three themes:

1. Never stop dreaming.

It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old, they grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.” Gabriel Garcia Marquez

“Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.”  Langston Hughes

1. Appreciate the wisdom gained through life experiences.

“The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.” Robert Frost

“Wisdom is the reward for surviving our own stupidity.” Brian Rathbone

1. Appreciate the time gift of time.

“The longer I live, the more beautiful life becomes.” Frank Lloyd Wright

“As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you’d always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two. Aging is growth. It’s more than the negative that you’re going to die, it’s also that you understand you’re going to die, and you live a better life because of it.”― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie

So how does this show up?

My friend, Dodie, 80, decided to go skydiving.

That’s right, skydiving.

I had to learn more.

Q:  Why skydiving?

Dodie: This is been on my bucket list for a long time.  At first, I wanted to confront fear.  I ended up experiencing fear earlier on a climb and repel journey.  But I still wanted to do it and watched a couple of YouTube videos and I saw a 96-year old woman doing it.  So I knew that I could do it.

Q:  This is a tough time to be doing this with COVID 19; fear of broken bones, etc.

Dodie: It was a tandem jump (where you are belted in with an experienced sky diver), so I felt safe.  Everything was COVID 19 protected.  I stayed in the moment and I wasn’t nervous or fearful.

Q:  How did it feel?

Dodie: When they opened the door and I put my feet out, I was awestruck.  There is nothing that I could compare this to.  Not like hang gliding or fast skiing.  It was exhilarating.  I fell 5,000 feet in 60 seconds.  But I did not feel like I was falling.

Q:  Is this a different experience for you at this age rather than when you were younger?

Dodie: Yes, definitely.  In my younger years, I would have raced through it.  But time has taught me patience and to live in the moment.  I don’t think about yesterday or tomorrow…just today.

In my younger years I might have worried about it.  But I had seen the videos and I wasn’t afraid.  Since I live in the moment, I didn’t anguish over it at all.

Also, I had nothing riding on this.  I chose to do it for the experience only, and I had no expectations.

And I enjoyed every second.

Q:  What advice would you like to share?

Dodie:  Bring a cheering section, it makes it even more fun.  Everyone was cheering as I landed, and it became a celebration.

But mostly, remember that you are never too old and it is never too late.

President Trump can be a bully.  Bullies are made, not born, and it is easy to be sympathetic to President Trump’s upbringing.  Multiple sources confirm that President Trump was raised by a psychopathic father and an indifferent mother. He learned that the only way that he could get his father’s attention was by bullying his brothers and ignoring his sisters. When he became an adult, his father proudly rewarded bullying behavior with admiration and money.

Unsurprisingly, President Trump was a bully in the Presidential Debate.

But what was surprising was how many debate onlookers criticized Wallace and Biden for not stopping the behavior.  A quick review of the research makes it clear that it would have impossible to stop this behavior within the imposed limitations of the debate.

Ironically, October is National Bullying Prevention Month.

The education establishment has focused on eliminating bullying for decades.  But it has been extremely difficult despite the extensive research and programs directed at the problem.  Bullying is especially harmful to children.  Duke University demonstrated that victims have health consequences well into adulthood.

Peer mediation and other programs have been tried, but research suggests that the MOST effective treatment to eliminate bullying are “upstanders.”  Upstanders are bystanders who stand up for the victim.  Bystanders often remain quiet because they fear retaliation, but if enough stand up for the victim, the bully loses his pulpit.

Adult bullies tend to fit into the following patterns:

• Narcissistic: A self-centered, unempathetic person who needs to “put others down” to feel good about himself.
• Impulsive: An individual who has a hard time restraining his behavior when he is upset and lashes out.
• Physical: A person who uses threats of harm or physical domination.
• Verbal: Individuals who create misinformation or use demeaning language to dominate or humiliate.
• Secondary: A person who does not initiate the bullying but joins in to prevent becoming a victim.

Adult bullies are more interested in power and domination. They want to feel as though they are important and preferred, and they accomplish this by bringing others down.

So what can really be done about an adult bully?  Very little. Dr. Robert Stratton of Stanford University published a book The Asshole Survival Guide: How to Deal with People Who Treat You Like Dirt.  While there are many tips, here is the gist of techniques to survive adult bullies.

1. Walk away.
2. Fight back with your own “army.”
3. Use humor to deflect bullying behavior.

The bottom line is that a bully is an insecure person who feels threatened.  But while it is important to be an “upstander”, it is equally important to be sympathetic.  Behind that bravado, hides a scared, insecure little boy or girl.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Last week I voted.  It was exhilarating, I have never missed an election, including primaries, school boards, and general elections…yet there was something special about this vote.  With all the crises that we now face, I felt that my vote would be a vote for stability, for hope, for peace, for unity.

As a Florida voter, I was particularly excited. I have been voting by mail in Florida for 5 years, so I am comfortable with the slightly onerous process of using a secrecy folder, signing the outer folder and affixing 3 stamps to the mailer.  I have voted in every primary and every election by mail.

Just a few months ago, I voted in the primary.

Today, I got an email notifying me that my ballot was rejected “because the signature did not match.”

Signatures change for a myriad of reasons. All signatures change over time.  But signatures can also be impacted by simple things, body position, the pen, a hurried signature.

I have never had a ballot rejected.

To prove that I am me, I must complete an affidavit and mail it with a copy of my identification to prove that I voted.  I have the option of scanning the document and sending it by email.  It is not hard, but it is an extra, clearly unnecessary step.

Next, I have to check that they received and accepted the affidavit and that my ballot is NOT labeled provisional. (Since many states do not count provisional ballots.)

The majority of Biden supporters are voting by mail. The majority of Trump supporters are voting in person.

Florida is a Republican State.  I am a registered Democrat.

Florida rejected my ballot for the first time in 5 years.

Coincidence?  I don’t think so.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Retirement is called the “gift”. It allows us to reflect on what we have learned in life and what is important. By now most of us have become comfortable in our own skin and are less concerned about what others think of us. I was fortunate enough to learn this lesson from a great teacher.  Here is that story.

I had a boss who was notorious for berating us during presentations, the larger the audience, the nastier the behavior.

One of my colleagues was making a presentation to a large group. Our boss interrupted her repeatedly with derogatory comments, heckling her.

Despite our boss’s attempts to intimidate and embarrass her, she remained calm and patiently asked for clarification.  I watched her in astonishment, this boss brought everyone to tears, male and female, she humiliated her team for sport.

After the presentation, I went over to console my colleague.

But she didn’t feel humiliated at all.

She asked me, “Do you think that the other people in the room thought I was stupid or that our boss was mean?”

“Obviously, that she was mean.” I responded.

“But what about all the criticism,” I continued. “You worked so hard on that presentation; you even took notes when she spewed her vitriol.”

“Of course,” she replied.  “Our boss wasn’t pleased, so I needed to change the presentation.”

“But your presentation was good,” I replied.

“I was satisfied with it,” she said.

“But didn’t the criticisms, hurt?”  I was determined to find some weakness here.

“Oh no,” she replied. “Both praise and criticism are about the person giving it.  Her criticism or praise for that matter was about her, not my work.”

“Let me give you an example,” she continued.  “What if someone told you that they love your hair.  It doesn’t mean that you have good hair.  It means that you have hair that that person values. There is no objective measure of hair…just perceptions.  The same goes with criticism. If that person didn’t like your hair, it is because she doesn’t like that kind of hair.  It has nothing to do with your hair.”

In that moment, I felt liberated. Until then, I yearned for praise and dreaded criticism.

Don’t get me wrong, I still appreciate and am very grateful for praise. If someone likes what I do, it feels good, and if they don’t like it, it doesn’t feel good.  But I understand that it is about them, not me.

Still, sometimes it is hard…

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.