Homeland Security Threatens Canada Goose Migration by Hugh Panero

The announcement that President Trump has ended all tariff negotiations between the US and Canada has increased hostility between the two nations. The administration has recently turned its attention to ending the unlawful entry of Canada geese into the US, according to the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). 

Kristi Noem, the Secretary of DHS said, “It has come to our attention that these migrating geese from Canada bring Fentanyl into US, rape and harrass our non-migrating goose population and have affiliations with the notorious MS-13 gang.” Noem (aka Ice Barbie) is no friend to God’s creatures. In her memoir, she described killing her dog Cricket for having an aggressive personality. 

Officials on both sides of the border were left scratching their heads regarding this shift in US strategy, sparking a heated debate over border security and bird migration policy. Over 3.2 million Canadian Geese migrate to the US each year. According to Noem, “we became suspicious of the migrating birds based on the precision of their V-shaped flying pattern, an indication of military training.” 

Supporters of the administration’s effort to stop this unchecked Canadian goose migration point out that these large birds purposely come to the US pregnant, hoping to claim birthright citizenship as soon as the young Goslings emerge from their eggs. They also claim this species is very aggressive, disrupts our air traffic control systems, harasses golfers, takes over water nesting platforms constructed for our US-based Osprey population and shits on everything.

Border Buffers, Bird Barricades, and An Avian Iron Dome

Sources confirm that an unprecedented number of geese are now making their way to the US in anticipation of the US Air Force establishing a “No Fly Zone”. Some Geese have been seen flying with banners that say “FLY OR DIE”. DHS reportedly has big plans to utilize satellite AI technology to create an Avian Iron Dome (AID) to protect our northern border.” In the meantime, DHS is deploying drone surveillance and strategic waterfowl aerial barriers along our 5,500 mile northern border. “We’re taking every measure to ensure national waterfowl security,” an unnamed DHS spokesperson stated. “This is not just about protecting American turf; it’s about maintaining sovereignty.” 

Legal Status and Immigration Policies

Masked ICE agents have been massing on our northern border, and there is talk of mobilizing the National Guard and even the Marines. Legal experts warn that the situation could challenge existing laws governing wildlife and immigration. “Are these geese refugees or illegal aliens? Does the Migratory Bird Treaty Act provide due process protections or impose restrictions?” mused one concerned attorney. Some advocacy groups are calling for “Amnesty for the Gaggle,” and pushing for sanctuary bird policies that allow these winged migrants safe entry to parks and lakes, citing their right to pursue happiness. 

Public Reactions and Political Spin

Public opinion is fiercely divided. Politicians have stirred controversy, claiming the goose migration poses a significant national security threat, claiming “even birds must respect borders”. Others hail the geese as a welcome symbol of multicultural integration and point out that these birds make the ultimate sacrifice each year to our hunters, and that stopping their migration would harm our vibrant hunting economy and hurt small businesses.

Historians note that Canadian Geese played a crucial role in feeding the first settlers on the Eastern Shore, as described by James Michener in his book, Chesapeake. 

Many experts believe the sudden US aggression towards the Canada Geese migration into the US is President Trump’s retaliation for Canada’s refusal to become America’s 51st state and his inability to implement higher tariffs against our former ally. In an unhinged rant on Truth Social, Trump said, “I hate everything Canadian, especially their very untalented celebrities that have migrated to the US like Justin Bieber, Ryan Reynolds, and the unfunny, scum, Mike Meyers from Saturday Night Live. We should expel them all.” As for the Canadian Geese, he added, “All that squawking is about to come to an end.” Disney, bowing to pressure from the administration, has announced it will no longer include Canada geese in any of its upcoming animated children’s content and will remove images of the species from all of its copyrighted materials. 

As this migration debate intensifies, it’s clear that we may never view these seasonal feathered visitors in the same way again. 

Hugh Panero, a tech and media entrepreneur, was the founder and former CEO of XM Satellite Radio. He has worked with leading tech venture capital firms and was an adjunct media professor at George Washington University. He writes about Tech and media, as well as satire, for The Spy.