Our grandkids are wonderful, but they are kids. On a recent visit we took them to one of the “high end” ice cream stores in Easton. Translation – Pricey. Since there were 7 of us, I made the prudent financial decision that one scoop would serve everybody well. Upon that restrictive announcement the reaction was, shall we say, a bit over the top. “Unfair! We always get 2 scoops.” At that point I decided this was a “teaching moment.” Either you accept the offer of one scoop or get no scoops at all. “Yes, but our other grandparents always get us 2 scoops!” I held firm. “One scoop of this ice cream tastes so good it is worth two from the average ice cream purveyor.” That intrigued them, and emotion was replaced with the promise of a better state. Reason prevailed, and it helped that the ice cream was really good.
This reminded me of several mediations I have recently conducted. By definition every mediation requires the parties to accept conditions that are not likely their first preference. As a mediator to a conflict, my job is to guide a confidential conversation between parties helping them reach an agreement that is satisfactory to both, albeit not perfect for either. However, when one party starts with “They are not getting one red cent from me” the task can be a challenge. After initial emotion subsides there is an opportunity to understand the goals of each party…and there are often several. As they tell their version of the story hints will emerge as to the issues that need to be resolved.
Is it just about money or is it also about being treated unfairly in their view? Is an apology needed? Was it a matter of poor communication or unmet promises? As the settlement is crafted all these issues can be included. One of the powers of mediation is that it can include a solution that is wide ranging, much more so than a narrow court judgement, for example.
Often parties choose a position that is based on limited or poor information. What do you do if you do not have complete information? You make it up, of course. That is natural, and we do it all the time. When we act on partial or inaccurate information, we make assumptions about the other parties’ motivation and position. The mediation conversation can help complete the information picture and make it more accurate.
Once my grandkids had a more complete picture of the one scoop offer, they understood that it was a decision about quality not quantity. I know what you are thinking…they still wanted 2 scoops…and they probably did. However, they were please with the imperfect result and so was I.
Steve Forrer, former dean and vice chancellor of University of Maryland Global Campus, is currently a mediator for the Maryland District and Circuit Courts. Questions can be submitted at www.doncastermediation.com/contact for Steve to answer in this column. He also accepts private mediations.
Tom Hill says
Steve—I love your example of how life works. None of us get 2 scoops every time. The sooner we all learn…especially grandkids…the better adjusted their lives will be.
Merry Christmas.
Tom
Steve Forrer says
Thanks, Tom, and Merry Christmas to you too…see the next column for what happens next on the ice cream front!
Steve
Reed Fawell 3 says
Perhaps one better answer is that the less you have of something, particularly easy pleasure, the more valuable it and life becomes, particularly if you learn to handle it and yourself with respect and care. As to ice cream, the less you eat the better it tastes, the more you appreciate and are grateful for it.
As to kids around a food table complaining about too few ice cream scoops, pick your spots with care. But, more often than we might like, we should tell the spoiled whiners they just talked themselves into getting no ice cream at all, until they’re big enough to earn and appreciate it, and explain why.
You are doing these kids a huge favor, a wake up call, they will never forget.
And, it will be to their great advantage if one holds the line across the board. Drawing such lines gives kids the opportunity, in hard and unforgettable ways, to learn to love and appreciate and deal with the world as it really is. One where they know that unearned easy pleasures always exact a heavy price. As opposed to one where even a respectful pause, long or short, becomes a ritual showing gratitude and discipline of self, that will morph over time into virtues and experiences far greater than we can imagine, where abstinence and sacrifice for higher things again and again, bring us, our senses, our values, our world, and our experiences into sharp, vivid focus, fully alive and wondrous, where a single ice cream scoop can help build a life of great meaning and ignite revelations along the way.
Gail Walls says
🎶You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes… 🎶 It always stopped the whining when our children were young. Now they break into song with their own kids.