No question about it. These are the times that try men’s souls. We are frightened. We are anxious. We don’t know what will happen next—when the other shoe will drop.

In addition to the pandemic, racial unrest, massive unemployment numbers and hurricane season on the horizon, people are locked in households where they just are trying to carry on—to hold down the fort. I read the other day that many experts predict a massive rise in divorce filings once the pandemic abates. One headline read, “Is It Cheaper to keep Her?” Other articles tell stories of exes getting back together to see each other through the pandemic. Still others discuss the hazards of online dating during a pandemic. Some new connections have talked and emailed for more than two months but have yet to meet in person because of restrictions or quarantines.  

Even happy households are having a tough time of it. Family games, jigsaw puzzles, musical instruments, Netflix, birthday drive-bys, and homemade backyard hockey ice ponds have all been on the rise. The positives people report include more family time, more cooking and homemade meals. I have about five friends who have tried making bread for the first time—most with surprising success.  More people are reading. More people are writing. And more people are reaching out to old friends and relatives—connections that they have put on the back burner in recent years.   

One thing I have found myself pondering during this pandemic is the idea that maybe we shouldn’t jump back to business as usual when the current crisis is over. In the height of my career, I was on an airplane every week. I ordered room service in hotel rooms at 10 pm. My colleagues were on the go 24/7.  

Take a look at one segment of work—say office jobs in DC. Many people sat in traffic sometimes up to two or more hours a day. In the process, even if they used public transportation, they were contributing to pollution and energy consumption which both contribute to global warming. Once they arrive at the office, they attend endless meetings, many of which can truthfully be described as wastes of time. The office environment often decreases opportunities for exercise and increases opportunities to eat unhealthy food for lunch—fast food, candy bars, chips, donuts, frozen drinks at your desk, etc. Then there is the rush home from work, feed the kids, take them to soccer practice, monitor homework, and then crash in front of the TV until midnight when the whole rat-race begins again. It’s complicated because some friends say they are exercising more than before and are in much better shape. Others say they have gained the COVID-19 five to eight pounds. 

Obviously, there are many downsides to this pandemic from a societal perspective.  Social isolation is a huge issue and results in more difficulty with brainstorming, getting group work completed, interacting with others in person to really understand differing points of view.  And then, of course, the many nursing homes and assisted living facilities where residents have not seen loved ones for months.  So much loneliness. So much anxiety.    

Yet, somehow, I don’t think the right answer is to go back to business as usual once the pandemic truly abates. Thousands of people teeming in so many airport terminals may not be the right answer. The mission of many business trips can be achieved remotely. This obsession so many of us have with constantly being on the move may need to be rethought. The value of a more contemplative lifestyle must be reconsidered.  

Some businesses are putting plans in place so that their employees can work remotely more—at least two or three days a week on a permanent basis.  We have seen increased use of technology—Zoom, Facetime, Google Meet, etc.  While none of this is new, the scope and uses of these mediums are spawning increased ways to collaborate remotely—some of them being incredibly creative. (Check out the Hamilton cast singing on Zoom to a young girl who had tickets for a production that had been cancelled.)  

There has also been an increased appreciation for teachers.  Many parents have talked about how much more respect they have for their children’s teachers now that they have sat with their kids and walked them through their lessons day after day. Let’s hope that this appreciation leads to a demand for higher pay for teachers, as well as other essential workers and first responders. The other side of that coin is that much of the remote education has proved to be less than satisfactory. Many parents report that there is a ton of busy work. They are exhausted from printing and scanning endless worksheets, many of which are far from accomplishing exemplary learning.  I have also read articles about teachers in the process of making their online classes more interactive, more creative and more calibrated to the individual needs and abilities of their students. 

Also, although we want our favorite restaurants to survive and thrive, perhaps many of us were eating out too much. Getting creative with the food in our fridge and cooking more at home is a good thing.  It’s probably healthier for the most part, and it’s a super family activity.    

I’m fascinated by the reports of changes in wildlife sightings. A friend in Silver Spring, MD reports that now it’s common to see deer strutting down her suburban street, a sight formerly restricted to the nearby parks. The downside is that braver deer mean braver coyotes, bears and skunks. You probably saw the news reports of the goat herd running down the streets in Wales. Mountain lions have been prowling the streets of Boulder. More birds, including some rarely sighted in urban environments, are being seen by avid bird watchers. And I’m sure many of us have read the stories of the rat crisis in NYC.  Because so many restaurants are closed, massive numbers of rats can’t find food and are out foraging in city streets. It’s a rather frightening situation.

So, my point in all this rambling? While not minimizing the suffering and depth of the crisis, we should think through what’s better and what’s worse regarding this confinement. Try to maintain and enhance what’s better and address what’s worse. I have had many zoom virtual cocktail meetings with friends which I have thoroughly enjoyed. But I miss seeing my friends in person. And I realize I have taken for granted the joys of in-person get togethers with friends and family. I have spent more time reading and playing the piano which is good, and I want to be sure to continue those practices when I again have more options from which to choose. 

In Wordsworth’s sonnet The World Is Too Much with Us, Wordsworth laments the fact that the industrial world has driven us to strive for material gains rather than take time to contemplate the glories of nature. Maybe the one upside of this pandemic is to in the words of Simon and Garfunkel “Slow down, you move to fast.  You got to make the morning last.”

Maria Grant served as Principal-in-Charge of the Federal Human Capital practice of Deloitte Consulting.  Since her retirement from Deloitte, she has focused on writing, music, reading, travel, gardening and nature.

  

These are difficult days even for the most fortunate of us. Death, hardship and uncertainty surround us. Kind and thoughtful words and gestures are more important now than ever. Instead what we see too often are cruel, thoughtless, and vindictive comments on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and pretty much every other media outlet.

Republicans and Democrats alike are guilty of making these heartless comments. Trump, on Memorial Day weekend, found time to comment or retweet on Speaker Pelosi’s dentures and need for Polygrip, Hillary’s skankiness, Stacey Abrams’ weight, and Biden’s senility. Democrats spewed forth about Eric Trump’s intellectual prowess (or lack of it), Trump’s morbid obesity, and previously called him “Con Don,” a clown and an S.O.B.  

What have we come to?  I am far from a social media maven, but when I land on a Tweet or Facebook comment, I often am horrified by the number of mean-spirited comments. The rank and file comment on singers’ appearance, talent, or lack of it, and taunt those who relapsed and re-entered rehab facilities. Gun-lovers and gun-haters spar with mean and often crude attacks.  What has happened to civil discourse?  To truly seek to understand another point of view?

These days people are being shamed and taunted for wearing masks or not wearing masks; for going to bars or for staying home. You name it. Whatever avenue you choose to pursue, you can bet there’s abuse waiting for you. It’s a sad situation. We seem to bring out the worst in each other. Tolerance and understanding have left the building. And my mom’s adage, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” no longer is in play. 

So, what’s to be done about this name-calling and cruelty? Good examples start at the top. Presidents, governors, mayors, CEOs, teachers, leaders of all walks of life must set good examples and take the high road whenever possible. When they don’t, it seems everyone takes free license to follow their lead. On the other hand, when we perform or bear witness to acts of kindness and forgiveness, we set good examples for all. And such acts of kindness have surfaced during this pandemic. People have contributed to food banks, packed boxes of goods to distribute, fed healthcare workers, clapped at 7 pm every night to thank first responders and essential workers, raised funds through concerts, charity golf outings, etc.

 However, when our leaders don’t exhibit thoughtful acts of kindness, we must take matters into our own hands and make every effort to be as kind and open-minded to others as we can. Also, to those most vulnerable, who suffer from mental illness, disabilities, addictions, weight or other appearance issues, we must be especially kind. In many ways, these vulnerable people are the bravest among us. It’s difficult for anyone to speak in public. But to speak in public when you have a disability—a stutter, for example—is especially brave. To re-enter rehab after failing once or twice before is brave. To keep trying when you have failed in the past at anything is brave. Let’s applaud and encourage such perseverance–not resurrect previous failures. 

Also let’s give people a break. We all make mistakes. We use the wrong word, misspell, say the wrong thing, speak before we think, etc. When we apologize, please forgive.    

In Jane Austen’s Emma, when Emma goes on a picnic with a group including Miss Bates who is of a poor station and somewhat simple, one picnic member decides to have a contest and challenge others to say “two things moderately clever or three things very dull indeed.”  Emma makes a mean comment to Miss Bates and says, “you will be limited in number—only three at once.”  Miss Bates realizes this is a major put down, blushes, stutters and Mr. Knightly takes her away to pick strawberries. Later Knightly admonishes Emma, telling her that her words were cruel and said to a woman pretty much incapable of defending herself. It’s unseemly and she knows better. Emma is mortified, feels instant remorse, realizes she was wrong, and eventually asks forgiveness, from both Miss Bates and Mr. Knightly. In time she is forgiven and redeemed. She evolves and becomes a better person. Perhaps that is what we all must do. Take stock and try to become better people. Hold our tongues. Refrain from making those cruel comments—much easier said than done.  But most things worth doing are. 

To quote Emily Dickinson:  “If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain; If I can ease one life the aching or cool one pain;  or help one fainting robin unto his nest again; I shall not live in vain.”

Maria Grant served as Principal-in-Charge of the Federal Human Capital practice of Deloitte Consulting. Since her retirement from Deloitte, she has focused on writing, music, reading, travel, gardening, and nature.

Given that we are in the middle of a pandemic, this is probably not the greatest time to list my pet peeves about Facebook.  But I’m at my wit’s end. I can’t take it anymore. What follows are my greatest annoyances.  And trust me, I have many. 

First, there are the people who can’t stop posting pictures of themselves—pictures getting their hair cut, buying groceries, in line at the CVS, pictures of seemingly every meal they cook, pictures of themselves doing good deeds. It’s too much. Here’s an idea. How about limiting your self-photos to one or two a week?  Right now, I could write a detailed account of your daily life. I don’t want to have that ability.

Then there are the 50- or 60-year-old men who post pictures of themselves from their high school football and basketball glory days. They identify every person on the team roster and talk about specific games that happened 40 years ago. One person even included excerpts of a grainy game film.  Perhaps Springsteen was wrong when he said, “Glory days pass you by.” Thanks to Facebook they are alive and well.

Next are the religious zealots who post multiple quotes a day about Jesus the Lord, faith, etc. They record sermons and share them. They tell us that Democrats are evil because they “love” abortion. One recent post stated that there have been 244,000 abortions in the United States during the pandemic—much more death by abortion than Covid-19 they claim. How they know this, I have no idea. But this self-righteous proselytizing has got to go. They know the way, and they are filled with sorrow that you have not yet seen the light.

Following these topics on my irritation scale, are the people who once had an important job, light-years ago, and cannot stop talking about it. They show pictures of themselves in the White House or some other prominent place at least once a week. I can understand a few such posts, but please!  We get it.  We know that you were once an important person.  Someone a long, long time ago understood just how valuable you are.

Another major pet peeve is the exhibitionist tendency—those women and men who post multiple pictures of themselves in bathing suits. What’s up with that? I find it narcissistic and inappropriate.  OK—maybe one picture at the beach.  But we don’t need to see you sunbathing from every angle. I have a friend who also posts pictures of her teenage daughter in bathing suits. Not only is this being inappropriate, it’s also dangerous.  It’s easy for those of a perverted persuasion to discover where you live and it’s possible things could take a nefarious turn. Why take that chance?

Next on my list are the conspiracy posts. One going around right now is the “plandemic.”  According to this crazy theory, Covid-19 is a plan cooked up by Trump-haters. These so-called haters are attributing deaths from heart attacks, cancer, etc., to Covid to make Trump look bad, so they say.  Fauci is evil and a pawn for Bill Gates. Such conspiracies spiral on Facebook. These people have no qualms about never fact-checking their information. And what’s even more depressing are people who repost this garbage, glomming onto these misguided theories with even more whacked out nonsense.

The tributes to the deceased are tricky. You want people to be remembered. You want to celebrate their lives and reflect on the good things they did for this world.  I understand that.  But many of the posts smack of maudlin self-pity. I might give these posts a pass except for one that showed the deceased in an open coffin.

So why am I on Facebook?  Good question.  Many of my friends have signed off permanently.  I guess I’m still on because I have friends whom I don’t see often, and I enjoy hearing what they are up to. For whatever reason, I love all the animal stories—animals being rescued; animals of different species cavorting together, etc. Also, sometimes people post interesting articles that I missed or an opinion piece that causes me to pause. I like the recipes, restaurant reviews, and some travel pictures.  During the pandemic, I’ve also found some pandemic parody songs rather entertaining.  But I’m beginning to wonder if it’s worth the pain.

We’ve all read studies that say the more time people spend on Facebook, the more depressed they become. I agree.  I begin to feel hostile. Yesterday when I saw the 14th picture of the same woman, it took everything I had not to post a mean reply. I think what gets me down about Facebook these days is how self-centered people are. Also, sometimes it seems they just want everyone to know how great their lives are, how much they volunteer, how much they travel, etc. I suppose we can all live vicariously by seeing the lives of these successful happy people with great jobs, beautiful children, super vacations, and unbelievably sumptuous gourmet meals. But at the end of the day, I say:  Put a sock in it.  Perhaps we should all spend more time posting articles about how great other people are rather than ourselves. Now there’s a thought.  

Maria Grant served as Principal-in-Charge of the Federal Human Capital practice of Deloitte Consulting. Since her retirement from Deloitte, she has focused on writing, music, reading, travel, gardening, and nature.