Republican presidential candidate hopeful Donald Trump today announced that as President he would end Leap Year.
“I’d punch Leap Year in the face and then waterboard it,” Trump told an electrified audience at Hoover Dam.
“It’s a waste of paper. Think of all the calendar pages you can save without reprinting it every four years. In eight years that’s a forest the size of an average Walmart. That’s a lot of water-boards. Besides, it’s funny sounding, he added. “Leeeeeep Year. Listen too it. Just dumb.”
The businessman’s long lasting feud with accuracy in general and the media in particular has fueled his mission to end the US’s fondness for what he calls “vague precedents.” “Look, Christmas should always be on Tuesday. None of this switcheroo baloney. A month is nothing but just a bad habit.”
Trump said that he had been talking to “extremely creditable sources somewhere“ about Leap Year and that he has a plan.
“It’s easy-peasy. We go to a thirteen-month calendar, all 28 days, every day of the month the same date. A guy already invented it when America was great, back when we had the Justice League and super-heroes. Cotsworth was his name. I want him in my cabinet as Director of Time.”
The Republican party candidate was apparently referring to the League of Nations, who in 1927 pushed for the so-called “international fixed calendar” of 13 months, each month having 28 days, each day’s date the same throughout the year. In fact, George Eastman advocated for the fixed calendar and ran his Kodak company by it until 1989 when they realized they’d forgotten to look into digital photography.
When asked what the added month would be, Trump said, “look my friends, when Julius Caesar added a month to the calendar it was no big deal, although I’m told by people somewhere he could have been taken out for this kind of courage. He even named the extra month after himself. July for Julius. Not bad for a little Italian guy, yo?”
After a deafening and confused applause he said, “So, my 13th month will be called ”Trumpus.”
Trump went on to say, “The new month would go where July is now. So July will be pushed forward to Fall. So the big firecracker day will become the Fourth of Trumpus. Can’t beat that now can you?”
Trump, wearing jodhpurs and polished knee-length boots for his announcement, rocked on his heels and said, “the trains will run on time again, especially in New Jersey.”
During the event, a nun wearing a smock depicting a February calendar with 29 days, was pummeled and escorted off the premises.
Not everyone was enamored with the idea of a thirteen-month calendar. Ben Carson asked, “will that eliminate fruit salad?” A spokesperson for Hillary Clinton texted “pffft,” and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said “I can’t hold a frown for an extra month. It hurts my face.”
Trump ended his speech with another challenge.
“After Leap Year, it’s Daylight Savings Time. What the hell is that and where do they put they extra daylight? I think it’s a scam.”
Asked who benefit from such a scam, Trump said, “I’m looking into the light-bulb people.”
A spokesman for General Electric Tweeted, “There are always candles. Good luck with that.”
Editor’s note: Since we’ve had problems with this kind of essay in the past, it is important to note that this is a piece of fictional writing. Mr. Trump has not commented yet on the future of Leap Year.
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Tracy Ward says
I am disappointed to read this article in the Talbot Spy. It seems to me that there are more important and interesting topics that are deserving of coverage.