During the holiday season, when I’m particularly thankful for family and friends, I sometimes reflect on how many family members, friends, colleagues, and former couples no longer speak to one another. It seems as though it’s getting more difficult for us to get along. Or maybe it’s always been that way. Or maybe the world is simply less forgiving, crueler, crasser, and less kind.
Consider just a few of the “celebrity” relationships that have somehow dissolved: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, Ben and Jerry, Dennis and Randy Quaid, Simon and Garfunkel, Hall and Oates, Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom, Macaulay Culkin and his dad, Meghan Markle and her dad, Brooke Shields and her mom; Donald Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene, Mike Pence, Bill Barr, James Mattis, General Mark Milley, Chris Christie, Michael Cohen, H.R. McMaster, Omarosa, Anthony Scaramucci. (I could keep going.)
Such rifts can be caused by incompatible values, jealousy, and lack of respect. Friendships can end because two people no longer share core values. Co-workers may have professional rivalries that lead to tensions and avoidance. Business partners relationships may sour over the direction of the company, politics, or personal conduct.
Research suggests there are top 10 reasons marriages break up: Family (not being able to get along with the spouse’s family); lack of communication; stress; technology (not unplugging from it); selfishness; inability to forgive; loose boundaries; the past (not getting past it); dishonesty; and pride.
Dr Gottman of the Gottman Institute identified four key behaviors which he labeled the four horsemen that indicate a relationship is in trouble: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. (I remember a therapist friend once told me that when she is doing couples therapy and senses contempt from one of the partners, she knows the relationship is doomed.)
Some friends have shared that they have broken off relationships because of substance abuse issues, cheating, boredom, financial issues, or just plain apathy.
So, what’s the secret to getting along? Experts say it’s a combination of empathy and respect achieved through active listening, open-mindedness, and effective communication. Key practices include seeking to understand others, finding common ground, and showing general appreciation.
Here are a few quotes that emphasize why getting along is worth the effort.
“The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.” Theodore Roosevelt
“Without friends, no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.” Aristotle
“A day without a friend is like a pot without a single drop of honey left inside.” A. A. Milne Winnie-the-Pooh
“The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love—whether we call it friendship or family or romance—is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other’s light.” James Baldwin
Something to think about.
Maria Grant, a former principal-in-charge of the federal human capital practice of an international consulting firm, now focuses on writing, reading, music, bicycling, and nature.
Wilson Dean says
There was a time decades ago when politicians from different parties would argue but then not only reach compromises to keep things going but maintain civility with each other. Then along came Newt Gingrich in the 1990’s with his “my way or the highway” approach. This has devolved over the years into the Trump era where the opposition is the enemy, opponents (i.e., anyone who doesn’t bend the knee to Trump) are ridiculed, and outlandish lies from the President are a daily (often hourly) occurrence (on the premise his cult followers are too devoted to fact check him).
With this situation characterizing our “leadership” today, what tone does that set for the rest of the country other than animosity towards one another?
Maria Grant says
Wilson, I couldn’t agree more. It’s very sad and depressing.
Melissa Cona says
Maria, you have made me pause and reflect. Thank you for the thoughtful article.
Maria Grant says
Melissa, thanks for your comment and for reading my article. Much appreciated.
Sebastian Canizares says
This article was very personal to me. My grandfather and I never really had a relationship because he disapproved of my mother’s multiracial relationship. On Christmas, I would sit nearby and listen to him call my cousins before he reluctantly, if at all, spoke to me. We didn’t even attend his funeral when he died, and I had only ever met him once in person. Unchallenged pride and values were the cause of that distance, not geographical distance. Your article skillfully illustrates how choices like contempt, silence, and a lack of empathy can impact relationships for generations after they are made. It is a reminder that getting along is important, not useless.