I remember visiting my mom the last 10 years of her life and frequently thinking how weird it must be to have outlived most of the people she knew. She had outlived her siblings, two husbands, neighbors, friends, and colleagues. There weren’t many people left who could remember “when”—those funny stories, poignant moments, trips, and tales. I used to wonder how you survive so much loss.

Now, I’m much younger than my mother was then, and have seen too many husbands, children, friends, neighbors, and colleagues die. Already, I remember some special moments, and realize that those who I shared them with are no longer here. 

I am not alone. Many of my friends have experienced incredible loss. And these days, with a pandemic, continuing international conflicts, devastating cancers, overdoses, suicides, murders and more, it’s amazing that some of us are still standing. 

So, what to make of it all? My mom used to say, “Remember the best; forget the rest.”  And it is crazy what you remember. My mom loved chardonnay, onion rings and Pavarotti. My husband was obsessed with Ingrid Bergman. We watched every movie she made countless times. My best friend, an English major, quoted Keats at the slightest provocation.

What I remember most about the people now gone are those small thoughtful gestures they made. Showing up to pick me up in a rainstorm—an unexpected treat. Flowers that arrived at my office to let me know they were thinking of me during the anniversary of a loss. A friend who drove several miles to take my dog for a walk when my flight was significantly delayed. 

So perhaps one lesson from all this is to focus on making special memories—special efforts—with those who are still here. Recently, I took a job back in the city, and the best parts of my days are when I witness acts of kindness. In the last few weeks, I’ve seen a teenager walk an elderly man across the street when the light was ready to turn. I’ve seen a bilingual woman help a Latino woman communicate with a pharmacist about a prescription. I’ve watched a teenager take a heavy grocery cart from an elderly woman and walk her all the way to her apartment. I work in a bookstore, and I watched a bookseller help a customer locate a book when the customer couldn’t remember the author, title, or much of the plot. It was a joyful moment when through detailed questions, the mystery was solved!

So, in this crazy society where we are too quick to judge, too quick to find fault, let’s just stop. Let’s agree that there is too much judging. Too much criticizing. Too much cruelty. Too little empathy. Too little compassion. I may sound like Pollyanna, but trust me. It’s those little acts of kindness that make it all worthwhile.

Sometimes, I remember my shortness of temper, my frustration, with those who have died and wish I had the opportunity to redeem myself—to have a do-over. It’s too late to make amends to them. But it’s not too late for those who are still here. 

Maria Grant was principal-in-charge of a Federal human capital consulting practice of an international consulting firm. She currently is the HR Director for Politics and Prose Bookstore in D.C. While on the Eastern Shore, she focuses on writing, reading, piano, gardening, nature, and travel.

I am troubled by today’s pervasive entitlement mentality. Students who have college loans feel they are entitled to debt-free carte-blanche forgiveness without paying them off. Sexual harassers who hold powerful positions feel they are entitled to take what they want—simply because they are who they are. Children who have famous parents often exploit their privileged lives because they feel entitled to commit egregious and sometimes illegal acts as though it is their birthright.  

Feeling entitled can lead to dangerous consequences. Let’s consider a few examples.  

Often people who come from humble beginnings attend expensive private colleges and rack up hundreds of thousands of dollars of college debt. Should they be allowed to attend those universities? Of course. But should they also consider the ramifications of paying off that debt and factor in the cost-benefit analysis of private versus public universities with much lower costs? If you buy an expensive house, you must realize that it will result in a huge mortgage. Someone else isn’t going to pay it off unless perhaps a wealthy uncle dies and leaves you a pile of cash. Sure, one can argue that colleges and houses cost too much. Both statements may be true. Still, if you take out a loan, you should expect to pay it back.

Now let’s take the example of powerful men and women who feel entitled to exploit their positions simply because of who they are. I’ve read more articles than I care to admit about Andrew Cuomo in the last few weeks. Clearly, he felt entitled to harass women and bully employees. He assumed he would continue to get away with it because he had for years. He also had enablers who helped discredit his accusers and made their lives a living hell. (I found it particularly rich when Trump declared Cuomo should resign given his own sordid past.) 

During the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearings, I had the sense that Kavanaugh felt he was entitled to be a Supreme Court justice. He didn’t feel that incidents which showed questionable judgment and poor character in his past should be examined. Yet one could certainly argue that his temperament and outrage during the hearings didn’t exemplify the steady, measured, thoughtful and unwavering qualities worthy of a Supreme Court justice. 

Lately, my friends have been telling me how frustrating it is to work with employees with newly minted college degrees. They claim many of them have a sense of entitlement that is difficult for them to fathom. Demanding better wages, work-life balance, benefits, etc. is not necessarily a bad thing. But assuming they should get promoted within a matter of months; that they should be given highly strategic work before they have even learned the ropes, is something else. 

Many psychologists, therapists, and student counselors believe that part of the reason young people feel so entitled is because their parents never said no to their demands. As a result, they feel entitled to have whatever they want without earning it. I don’t think it’s quite that simple, but there is a grain of truth here.  

They also say that people who have powerful positions for long periods of time often feel a sense of entitlement to do whatever they please—treat people shabbily or take advantage of them because of some misguided sense of almighty power.

So, what is to be done about this entitlement culture?  Experts say the solution involves two things:  gratitude and accountability.  

We need to help children and new employees, be grateful for what they have. Instead of always wanting more, gently remind them of their good fortune and encourage them to share that bounty when they can. 

The second concept is holding people accountable for their actions. If employees don’t meet their goals or perform tasks at a competent level, they shouldn’t expect bonuses or promotions automatically until they have mastered the competencies required for current positions. We must also hold our leaders accountable for their actions. As many have said in recent days, democracy and freedom only work when we do. 

As with all things, there are degrees here. Gratitude and accountability are not learned overnight. One minor mistake should not a cancel culture make. 

Fighting to make America as great as it can be—fighting for racial and gender equality, better bridges, roads, healthcare, clean water, the environment is a good thing. We are entitled to expect the best from our leaders and ourselves. But we must vote, and we must understand that there is a price to pay for these services that “lift all boats”.  And we must hold our leaders and ourselves accountable for doing our best to protect and preserve our democracy and the planet. 

Douglas MacArthur said, “No man is entitled to the blessings of freedom unless he be vigilant in its preservation.” Holding ourselves accountable to protect and preserve our freedom with a deep sense of gratitude for the privilege of doing so is quite the opposite of entitlement. 

Maria Grant was the principal-in-charge of the Federal human capital practice of an international consulting firm. Today she focuses on writing, reading, piano, travel, gardening and nature. 

I am obsessed with my screened porch. I love having that first cup of coffee in the morning there—listening to birds, seeing a flash of red as a cardinal flies by, and often, if I’m lucky, watching hummingbirds feast on purple salvia. In mid-day, I love having a light lunch and a glass of iced tea there. And, in the early evening, I love sitting on the screened porch with friends, sharing cocktails and appetizers. It’s crazy, but conversations seem more relaxed, more honest and open there. Then there is the wonderful experience of enjoying soothing sounds of gentle rains. And let’s not forget returning to the porch later in the evening, lighting candles and enjoying cool breezes and crescent moons.

Our porch is the most popular room in our house. It is a simple affair with a red brick floor, a white beaded wood ceiling with a large fan, floral rug, comfortable wicker furniture with deep cushions, an antique cabinet to store candles, and a small round wrought iron table with two chairs. Our goldendoodle Lucca can frequently be found lying on the wicker sofa with her head on its arm staring outside.

Ancient Greeks were the first to develop porches with columned porticoes (which is where the word porch was derived) which marked entrances to temples, halls, and gardens. It’s easy to picture Socrates discussing philosophy with his students on one of them. 

In America, screened porches gained popularity in the 1880’s when screening material became more widespread. At that time, people escaped the heat of enclosed houses and sought cooler spaces, often using them as sleeping porches—in the backs of houses and on second floors. 

Then in the 1920’s screened porches became popular again as a healthier place to spend time when people were worried about germs and diseases and wanted protection from bugs. Since then, some screened porches have become quite grandiose with big-screen TV’s, fireplaces, huge dining tables and more.

It’s interesting to read about how Southern states turned porches into an art form. They copied some of the Greek’s obsession with columns and built these Greek revival mansions with magnificent verandas. (Think Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Gone with the Wind.) Many of their porches then morphed from front porches to back porches. Today, many homeowners prefer decks or patios. Or often turn former screened porches into family rooms or four-season rooms.  

I’m always sad when I enter a house where the screened porch has been turned into something else. I understand why people do it—obviously so they can use the room throughout the year.  But for me, those rooms lack the charm of the simple screened porch.

Hearing crickets, seeing my blue heron friend at water’s edge, drinking a glass of chilled Sancerre on my screened porch—I say that’s perfection. And maybe just a little slice of heaven.  

Maria Grant was principal-in-charge of the Federal Human Capital practice of an international consulting firm.  Today she focuses on reading, writing, piano, travel, nature and kayaking.

Why is there such overwhelming criticism for pretty much every woman in a powerful position?  Think Kamala Harris (always angry), Hillary Clinton (chompers and bad laugh), Jill Biden (what’s with those black stockings), Michelle Obama (too many sleeveless dresses), Nancy Pelosi (disrespectful to males in charge), Lynne Cheney (traitor), Gretchen Whitmer (deserves to be kidnapped), Carly Fiorina (horse face), Stacey Abrams (bad teeth)—the list goes on. The criticism is relentless and often cruel. People mock their laughs, their teeth, their voices, their clothes, their height, their weight, and on and on.  Why?  Is it because we don’t have many role models and so don’t know what to expect?  Or are we threatened by their accomplishments and, for whatever reason, feel the need to knock them down a few pegs? 

And what happens when these women are constantly attacked and criticized? They become more guarded—less open, more careful. Their detractors then accuse them of not being authentic or lacking charisma. It’s a vicious circle. 

The difference in leadership styles between men and women is a complicated and interesting issue. According to recent surveys, it turns out people all over the globe—even in countries led by women—are less comfortable with women leaders. That’s even true in Germany where Angela Merkel has been Chancellor since 2005. Still 41 percent of Germans would prefer a male leader. 

When asked why this preference, responses are basically that men are perceived as more authoritarian, stronger, more decisive, more take-charge and more willing to make difficult decisions.  Women are perceived as “smaller,” with softer voices, less likely to be taken seriously, more likely to be questioned about their decisions, and more likely to be criticized for issues unrelated to their positions—for example, dress, hair, weight, etc. 

A Pew Research study confirms those stereotypes. It concluded that men are perceived as more transactional, autocratic, business-oriented and instruction-giving. Women are perceived as transformational, participative, and self-expressive. It also concluded that men prefer hierarchical structures, and women prefer flatter more collaborative structures.

Other research indicates that strong powerful women who act authoritatively are often called names such as “ball busters and ice queens” and are deemed “not very likeable.”  I’m sure we all remember Obama’s comment about Hillary during one of their debates, “ You are likeable enough.”

Still progress is being made–there are more women in Congress and in business leadership positions than ever before. But even with those advancements, only 26 percent of the 117th Congress are women, and women hold only 6.2 percent of leadership positions in the top S&P 500 companies.  

Already there is buzz behind closed doors that Kamala Harris is a risky choice for president if Biden decides not to run in 2024. One poll had her popularity at 41 percent; several polls had Biden’s popularity at 58 or 59 percent. Harris was relentlessly criticized for her tweet on Memorial Day when she told people to enjoy the long weekend. And, of course, there’s that “gotcha” interview with Lester Holt, when he attacked her for not going to the border. She responded defensively even though her rationale for going to Guatemala to understand the root cause of the immigration issue rather than for a photo op at the border made imminent sense. 

When Harris was running for Vice President, Donald Trump called her “extraordinarily nasty;” Eric Trump called her a “whorendous choice;” and Rush Limbaugh created a slogan, “Joe and the Ho” (ironic considering the sources don’t you think). Such attacks make one excessively cautious—less likely to be spontaneous, conduct interviews and more likely to adopt a lower profile. So, her style as vice president has been one of caution—few interviews, deferential to Biden—sensitive to showing that he’s in charge—perhaps an attempt to temper down the “too ambitious” attack. Smile, but take things seriously.  Cut down on the laughter. Don’t be too passive. Be a leader.  But show you know you’re second-in-command—not first. It’s a slippery and treacherous slope. 

There is some positive news on the “women front.” Women are continuing to make impressive strides: 50.5 percent of medical school students are women; 54 percent of law school students are women; and 56 percent of college students are women. More women are deciding to run for congress. And many of them are doing the serious grassroots door-to-door work that will make them viable contenders in the 2022 elections.  

Studies also show that though there is still skepticism about women in high leadership positions, many workers in today’s world prefer more collaborative, supportive, inclusive leadership styles as opposed to that traditional male authoritarian top-down approach to management. 

Also, more and more powerful women are taking steps to support those women coming up through the ranks. Mentoring programs, leadership seminars etc., are more prevalent than ever before. Madeline Albright is famous for her quote, “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other.”  

Interestingly the pandemic has had some influence as well. It required more trust, more adaptive behaviors more collaborations.  Because Zoom meetings were so pervasive, many saw superficial optics disappear replaced by a heads-down approach to cranking out work products which resulted in more emphasis on output, work product quality and less on political one-upmanship.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “A woman is like a tea bag—you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.” I for one am rooting for all those strong capable women who have walked to the shore and tested the water.  

Maria Grant was principal-in-charge of the Federal Human Capital practice of an international consulting firm. Today she focuses on writing, reading, piano, nature, gardening, travel and kayaking.

Shootings, kidnappings, murders, cyberattacks.  On a typical day, the news can be gruesome and discouraging. But today, as I was cycling along the Eastern Shore’s wonderful bike lanes, I started to think about some good things that have occurred in recent years. Here are just a few.

A Cleaner America.  As a child, I remember riding in the backseat of my parents’ Dodge and noticing trash along the highways. Today that is much less the case. In fact, when biking, I frequently see people picking up other people’s trash and disposing it. Although not perfect, our parks and roads are much less littered than they were in times past. 

A Commitment to Recycling. In every city I visit, I see diligent people recycling paper, plastics, etc. We’ve come a long way on that front. Clearly, we still have a long way to go, but we are making progress. Plus, there is a welcome movement to move away from plastic bags, Styrofoam cups and containers, unnecessary packaging and other single-use items.  

Bike Lanes. The U.S. has more and more bike lanes, and I say that’s a good thing. On my last international trip before the pandemic, I went to Amsterdam. I could not believe how many people bike everywhere. They bike to trains, to offices, to markets, to churches—families bike together. It appears everyone has a bike. Biking is growing in popularity across the U.S. Many cities are building more accessible bike lanes and providing racks for bike parking. Some cities even provide opportunities to rent bikes and drop them off at other destinations.

Increased Connectivity. It wasn’t all that long ago, that I would read about a book in the NY Times Book Review and then wait until I drove to a bookstore or library to access it. Today, I can read a review and order the book on my iPad in a matter of seconds. It’s the best thing ever. Not just that, but it’s so easy to access information now. The other day I had forgotten who George McGovern’s running mate was in 1972. Within seconds, I Googled the info and said, “Oh yeah, first he picked Eagleton, and then Shriver”. We take all this access for granted. Some may say we are too connected, and they have a point. But think how lucky we are to have access to the The Spy each day so we can stay informed about local goings on. And though many of us are “Zoomed” out, it has been incredible how much work has gotten done remotely during this past pandemic year. 

Organic Foods. Over the last decade, there is much more emphasis on reducing pesticides and additives in foods. These organic foods are still more expensive, but innovative people are finding ways to make these foods more available at more reasonable prices. Farmers’ markets—including Easton’s and other Eastern Shore towns–are more popular than ever and for many there is a return to growing their own vegetables and home cooking with fresh local ingredients. This farm-to-table movement is gaining traction with creativity in offerings spawning wonderful new cottage industries. 

Medical advancements. We still have a long way to go to cure cancer and other diseases. But progress is being made. Substantial gains have been made to identify diseases earlier, treat them, and take precautionary preventative steps to alleviate many diseases from occurring. In the last week alone, there have been breakthroughs on treatments for prostate cancer and Alzheimer’s disease. Additional medical breakthroughs may be just around the corner. In his new book The Code Breaker, Walter Isaacson discusses the discovery of gene editing—a technology that could help eradicate cancer, heart disease and a host of other ailments. On the other hand, so far progress has been disappointingly slow regarding addiction and mental illness, although gene editing holds some promise there as well. 

Exercise. Many more Americans are focusing on the importance of exercise. And it’s easier than ever to make that happen. Not everyone can afford a Peloton or similar device, but for those who can, it has never been easier to access strength, cardio, yoga, meditation, spinning classes and more. Others are running, power walking, swimming, kayaking, biking, etc. It’s a delight to see an active, energetic America.

Cleaner Waters. We still have issues across the U.S. with red tides, bacteria in the water, Flint, Michigan water types of disasters, etc. However, there has been progress on this front. The Chesapeake is cleaner than it was 10 years ago. One study from the Chesapeake Bay Program indicated that about 42 percent of the bay and its tidal tributaries recently met clean water standards.  And thanks to the efforts of several ecological associations, the water quality in many rivers, lakes, and streams across the U.S. has improved.

Smoking. Cigarette smoking has reached an all-time low. Slightly more than 13 percent of Americans smoke – a decline of approximately two- thirds in the more than 50 years since the first Surgeon General’s report warned of the dangers of smoking. Still nearly 38 million Americans smoke every day. And smoking remains the leading cause of preventable disease and death in the United States. 

Hybrids. In recent years, we have been introduced to hybrid cars, bikes and even boats. This means less reliance on fossil fuels, and, in the case of bikes, more flexibility and, for boats, less noise pollution. Hybrid cars, of course, are the stepping stone to completely electric cars. I see more of them on the road and at charging stations every day.  In a somewhat tangential aside, let’s not forget the invention of the hybrid dog which meant more choices for hypoallergenic dogs. My niece who has cystic fibrosis now has a hybrid hypoallergenic dog as a pet—yet another breakthrough. (I, of course, can’t say enough good things about my goldendoodle Lucca—perhaps the best dog in the history of best dogs.)   

Endangered Species. We have made substantial progress in saving endangered species. The U.S. Endangered Species Act (ESA) is the most effective way to protect at-risk species from extinction. Currently 99 percent of the species on the list have avoided extinction. The best way to protect these species is to protect the places where they live. We are doing a better job at that as well.

Democracy. It’s hard to believe I’m touting democracy as an accomplishment during these turbulent times. But let’s remember that more Americans voted in the 2020 election—two-thirds of the voting eligible population—than in any other in 120 years. That says something.  Let’s hope more and more people continue this trend so that their voices can be heard. The key to strengthening our democracy is having more people vote—not fewer.

Racial Understanding.  Finally, although there has been considerable racial unrest in this country, there has also been an increase in understanding the various challenges this country faces from a race perspective. It has been heartening to see people of all races fighting for racial equality and justice and supporting efforts to ensure that racial equity improves in the U.S. 

Thomas Edison once said, “Restlessness and discontent are the necessities of progress.”  I agree. Still, at times it’s satisfying to pause and reflect on just how far we’ve come—and then remember how much more there is to do.  

Maria Grant was principal-in-charge of the Federal human capital practice of an international consulting firm. Today she focuses on writing, reading, piano, gardening, nature, biking, and kayaking.

This weekend, I had the distinct pleasure of attending Chesapeake Music’s inaugural concert at Easton’s Ebenezer Theater.

Like everything the Prager’s do, the Ebenezer Theater, now part of The Prager Family Center for the Arts, is perfection. The intimate setting for the new home for Chesapeake Music concerts is housed in Easton’s former Ebenezer Methodist Church, originally built in 1856, on Washington Street—a sublime setting for the chamber concerts that Chesapeake Music offers. 

Original stained-glass windows are flanked by luxurious gold drapes. Carpeting, Victorian-era wallpaper and gothic arches blend perfectly with the rich and vibrant colors of the stained glass. A state-of-the-art sound system, the 24-Karat gold-leaf ceiling, the chandeliers—all form a perfect union that creates an understated ambiance that warms the soul. And finally, a restored nine-foot Steinway piano, generously donated by several music supporters, produces a stirring sound that only such a marvelous instrument can provide.  

All this set the stage for the 36th Chesapeake Chamber Music festival’s inaugural concert on Friday. It was, in short, magnificent. I have been to concerts at the Kennedy Center, Vienna, Prague, Venice, and more. They have nothing on the amazing group of musicians who have been assembled for this year’s Chesapeake Music Festival.  

The program we heard included Mozart’s Piano Trio in G Major, Webern’s Langsamer Satz, and Dvorak’s Piano Quartet No 2 in E-Flat Major, Opus 87—an interesting combination of pieces which made for a compelling listening experience. Each musician was skilled, intense, and committed to doing the music justice. They did that—and much more. The backgrounds of each of these musicians is impressive to say the least. And they gave their all with passion, grace, and an intensity to get the music “right.”

This year’s Chamber Music Festival runs from June 4-12 and includes six concerts. The Festival also offers the option to live stream the concerts, a wonderful opportunity given this spectacular sound system. To learn more about options for hearing these concerts, visit Chesapeakemusic.org.

When not used by Chesapeake Music, the venue is scheduled to be used for other musical performances, book readings, art exhibits and other special events.  

To the Prager family, once again, thank you. The Ebenezer Theater is a bonafide treasure that will enrich the lives of Eastern Shore residents for years to come.  

Maria Grant was the principal-in-charge of the Federal Human Capital practice for an international consulting firm. Today she focuses on writing, piano, reading, nature, travel, kayaking and gardening. 

Phil Mickelson won the PGA Championship last Sunday. At age 50, he is the oldest person to do so. Anthony Hopkins received the Best Actor Oscar award this year for his role in The Father, making him at age 83 the oldest person to receive an Oscar. He edged out Christopher Plummer’s supporting actor win at age 82 in the 2010 film Beginners.  At 77, Joe Biden is the oldest person to be elected president. Donald Trump was 70 when he took office. Ronald Reagan was 77 when he left office. Bob Dylan celebrated his 80th birthday on Monday. Dylan released his 39th album Rough and Rowdy Ways last summer. Janet Yellen is 74 and is the first person in American history to have led the White House Council of Economic Advisors, the Federal Reserve, and the Treasury Department.  Martha Stewart is 79. Dr. Fauci turned 80 last December. Nancy Pelosi is 81. Warren Buffett is 90. So, what is my point?

I am amazed at the energy, grit, determination and talent each of these people displays. In a sense, all of them have used their age to their advantage, giving themselves the benefit of experience and perspective.  

Approximately one-third of Americans are age 50 or older. Yet so much of American culture is focused on youth, looking younger, marketing to young people—90 percent of marketing dollars are targeted to people under 50 even though people over age 50 have substantially more disposable income.  

And for those who doubt that rampant ageism exists in this country, ask anyone over age 50 how difficult it is to find a job. This is true even though studies have repeatedly shown that assumptions about older workers–that they are inflexible, slow, unorganized, difficult, and expensive to train have proven to be false. Instead, studies show that older workers are more committed to their jobs, have less turnover, and less absenteeism than younger workers. They are also less likely to get mired in office politics and more likely to share their knowledge, mentor and coach junior staff, and put issues in their proper perspective.

Vivian Clayton, a geriatric neuropsychologist, developed a definition of wisdom which consists of three key components:  cognition, reflection and compassion. She explains that it takes time to gain insights and perspectives from one’s own knowledge and to use those insights to help others. I think we can all agree that more compassion, kindness and teamwork in the workplace would be a good thing.  

A current phenomenon is the pairing of a younger person with an older person for remarkable results. Think Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga concerts. They were amazing. Lady Gaga beautifully sang Tony Bennett’s classic songs, and Tony Bennett became quite popular with the younger generation. Or Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg. Despite their 30-year age difference, they thoroughly enjoy and appreciate each other’s company and perspectives. And they both have become relevant to the other’s followers. Snoop Dogg once said, “When we come together, it’s a natural combination of love, peace and harmony.”

Studies have shown that such cognitive diversity—that is building teams with a spectrum of ages and experiences—is more likely to produce successful results. Such teams also encourage innovation, freedom to brainstorm without fear, and acceptance of different points of view.  

As Bob Dylan once said: “Ah, I was so much older then; I’m younger than that now.”  Sometimes wisdom comes with the realization that things we were so certain of in our youth must be reexamined with a whole new lens. Age brings this type of wisdom. Let’s embrace it, celebrate it, and mine its potential.

Maria Grant was principal-in-charge of the Federal Human Capital practice of an international consulting firm. Since she retired, she has focused on writing, reading, piano, gardening, kayaking, nature and travel.

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Many of us imagine how wonderful marriages of wealthy high-profile individuals must be. We think extravagant vacations, mansions in the sky, designer clothes, private schools, fancy cars, private jets, the ability to start businesses without the constant worry about profitability, and more.  But the recent announcement of the split between Bill and Melinda Gates once again causes us to pause. If they can’t make it, what kind of hope is there for the rest of us?

Think Jeff Bezos and Mackenzie Scott. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux. Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. Princess Diana and Prince Charles. Al and Tipper Gore. Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert. Kelly Clarkson and Brandon Blackstock. The list goes on. Can’t any of us get along anymore?

The fact is that relationships are difficult—even in the best of circumstances. In these high-profile situations, temptations are endless, egos are fragile, and separations are frequent. 

I once asked a therapist who specializes in couples therapy when she knew it was truly over for a couple—when all hope of salvation was gone. She replied that once she saw that there was a true lack of respect—almost a disdain for the other person—she knew it was over. At that point, there wasn’t much she could do to repair the damage.  

Over the years, I have talked to many friends about relationships. For some, there were showstoppers—something that occurred that was the final straw. These final straws included a constant roving eye, infidelity, an inability to overcome addictions after several years of support, incessant jealousy, financial recklessness, anger management issues, lack of any type of emotional support, absence of intimacy, lack of appreciation, and lack of trust.  Some of my gay friends were so happy when they were finally legally able to marry. The celebrations were joyous. The speeches painstakingly crafted to reveal their journeys. Now two of them also are divorcing. 

Personally, I’ve always found spouses who are completely devoted and loyal to their spouses to have the best trait ever. There is nothing worse than going to a restaurant and having your best friend’s husband endlessly flirt with the attractive waitstaff. 

My Eastern Shore book club recently read Melinda Gates’ book The Moment of Lift. The consensus was that the book was good, and there was much to be admired about Melinda Gate’s mission, her commitment to philanthropy, and her increasing comfort and effectiveness as a public speaker. I agree, although I must say that some of her comments about how difficult it was to be Bill Gates’ wife were a bit hard to swallow. She was aware of how fortunate and privileged she was. Still clearly, nothing is perfect, and it is a slippery slope to complain about your lot in life when so much is given.

In recent days, several articles have been written about the increasing frequency of “graying divorces”—that is divorces in the people over-age-50 category. The reasons these articles cite are that children may have left the nest; couples may realize they no longer have much in common; they may believe they have one more shot at happiness and why not go for it. Also, many of these couples may have the financial wherewithal to split resources and still be OK.   

I have also read several articles claiming that the pandemic has taken a toll on many marriages. Being in somewhat forced isolation heightens issues that were festering over time. As a result, many divorce lawyers and therapists predict a rise in divorce proceedings in the coming months.

Articles from so-called relationship experts about what makes relationships work are in no short supply. Theories abound. One expert recommends a minimalist approach to life. Don’t get caught up with materialistic quests. Stick to the basics. Another has a seven-part solution on what to do if you have disagreements.  Still another recommends spiritual pilgrimages.  

Bottom line, I don’t believe there is any secret sauce to happy marriages. I suspect that respect, acceptance, communication, patience, compassion, listening, fidelity, intimacy, selflessness, loyalty, a sense of humor, and kindness all play into it. And then toss in a bit of luck for good measure.  

Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” I agree. And true friendship is a beautiful thing indeed.

Maria Grant was principal-in-charge of the Federal human capital practice of an international consulting firm. Since her retirement, she has focused on writing, reading, piano, travel, kayaking, gardening and nature.

 

It’s a disillusioning experience when people whom you’ve idolized your whole life turn out to be less than idol worthy. It happens way too often.

When I was in middle school, the youthful and vigorous JFK was my hero. I waited in line in front of a drugstore on Gratiot Avenue in Detroit for what seemed like hours just to wave at JFK’s motorcade. A few years ago, I read an article in The Atlantic that detailed some of JFK’s exploits while he was in the White House. It included shocking descriptions of JFK in the White House swimming pool with interns and other White House staff. Sound familiar?

Even before I got to college, I was obsessed with Ernest Hemingway. I read every novel (The Sun Also Rises was my favorite), every short story, and took Hemingway courses in college. The more I learned about Hemingway’s personal life, the more disillusioned I became. I eventually wrote a final paper on how Hemingway never depicted real women—instead, as I recall my description, they were either angels or bitch goddesses. And I used quotes from Catherine Barkley (an angel) in A Farewell to Arms as an example. She said, “I want what you want. There isn’t any me, anymore. Just what you want.”   

When I went to graduate school at Georgetown, I remember my friends and I listing our top 10 movies of all time. Two of mine were Woody Allen films—Annie Hall and Manhattan. I knew the dialogue by heart. Last week, I finished watching the HBO Max documentary Allen vs. Farrow. It’s hard to look at those movies in the same light.  Somehow those innocent and charming scenes with Mariel Hemingway in Manhattan just aren’t that charming anymore.

Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger is on my “top 10 books of all time” list. Last weekend, I read an article by a woman to whom J.D. Salinger wrote love letters. She was 17 and at Yale. He was in his 50’s. She quit college to be with him, chocked everything up. She later discovered that she was only one of many nubile women to whom Salinger wrote. He later discarded her like a used shoe. It took her several years to recover from the trauma. 

I just finished the new biography Eleanor by David Michaelis. It’s beautifully written, well documented and engaging—also long. But it shows a side of FDR—my mother’s hero—that I never knew. He cheated on Eleanor with several other women, was quite the anti-Semite, and had a racist streak as well. I realize these were different times, but Eleanor evolved in ways that FDR never did. 

The list of such disillusionments is long. Having said that, I still think JFK was a great President. He founded the Peace Corps and stood down Khrushchev during the Cuban missile crisis. He also inspired many young people to get involved in public service. Hemingway’s writing remains amazing. He used language in simple uncompromising ways. Few authors come close to mastering such focus on the bare essence of each word. The dialogue in some Woody Allen movies is superb. And something tells me that The Catcher in the Rye will remain an all-time classic for years to come. And despite FDR’s shortcomings, he gave us the New Deal and led us to victory in World War II. That compensates for a lot.

What’s the moral of this tale? Nobody’s perfect. We all disappoint in one way or another. Is it sad when someone we revere turns out to be less than we had hoped? Yes. But can we still appreciate their accomplishments and admire their strengths?  Carl Jung once said, “There is no light without shadow, and no psychic wholeness without imperfection.” Still, somehow, I wish that when temptation knocked, these heroes had chosen to see the light rather than lurk in the shadows. Something to think about. 

Maria Grant was principal- in-charge of the Federal Human Capital practice of an international consulting firm. Since she retired, she has focused on writing, reading, piano, kayaking, nature, gardening, and travel.

 

During the winter months, I live in a Florida community that is touted as a nature preserve. I love seeing birds, alligators, flowers, etc., and biking on miles of secluded paths. That’s the good news. 

The bad news is that it is also a golf community with three courses on-site and two more off-site.  One of these courses is directly behind our house. I have come to hate the game of golf. Here are five reasons why.

Environment. The labor that goes into maintaining golf courses is incredible. To me, it seems like non-stop mowing and watering. Each morning, I hear noise from an endless stream of machines preparing courses for the day’s play. I read that the average golf course takes up 150 acres of land and uses 90 million gallons of water each year (not a typo). There are more than 34,000 golf courses worldwide. More than half of them are in the U.S. Worldwide, golf courses cover more than five million acres of land and use more than 13 trillion gallons of water. The impact of all this water is particularly devastating to dry states such as Nevada and Arizona which have water shortages and require even more water to keep those greens, green.  In addition, most courses are “repaired” every so many years which entails killing the old grass and starting all over again. Consider the herbicides, pesticides and fertilizers used on courses for everyday maintenance, as well as these periodic “refresher” exercises. 

Also, the transformation of farmlands and wetlands into golf courses has altered the ecosystem in significant and damaging ways. It has eliminated indigenous flora and fauna. Environmentalists claim that the large numbers of golf balls found in water are harmful as well. These balls break down into microplastics which are detrimental to water quality and sea life.

Wildlife. Often golf courses were formerly habitats for mammals, birds, amphibians, reptiles, butterflies, dragonflies, and plants. Many of these creatures and plants have disappeared. Some wildlife have sought other places to survive. Naturalists claim that golf courses have resulted in fewer birds overall and some have been placed on the endangered list as a result. Also, hikers complain that areas that could have lent themselves to wonderful hiking trails have instead become yet more golf courses off limits to all but an elitist few. 

Time and Money. Next, let’s review the time and money people spend playing golf. The average 18-hole game takes about four hours. Some people in the community where I live play five times a week—sometimes two rounds a day. That could mean 24 hours of game time in a week. Many of these same golfers practice, take lessons, or watch golf on TV after they finish their play. These golfers pay exorbitant prices to become members of the club and then pay fees each time they play. According to the National Golf Foundation, the average price of a round of golf is $61. That does not include the sometimes astronomical fees for joining a club (which can range from $3,000 to well over $150,000) or the cost of clubs, lessons, golf clothes, golf bags, cart rental and tees. 

Conversations. Ok I realize since I’m anti-golf, I don’t find conversations about one’s golf game particularly interesting. But I can’t believe how boring cocktail parties become when the conversation—which it inevitably does—turns to golf. Is there anybody out there who is really interested in exactly what club was used on the sixth hole? Was it a difficult choice? Or whether the 13th green was hard or soft after last week’s rain? 

Waste of Intellectual Resources. I keep thinking about what could happen if we harnessed all this time from ex-CEOs, CFOs, small business owners, etc., who spend half their waking hours on the course. What if even a portion of those hours were used working for Habitat for Humanity, tutoring kids, or working in some fashion to make the world a better place? It seems almost patently immoral for these golfers with impressive careers and valuable experience to spend so much time on the course.  Maybe twice a week would be fine but seriously half your waking hours? 

Please know that I am fully aware that I live in a glass house. I’m sure many would find my excessive reading of novels a complete waste of time. Perhaps they are right. Also, one might correctly ask why I chose to live in a golf community when I hate golf. Good question. I guess the answer is that the nature aspects of the community were such a plus, as well as the beach and other amenities, that they outweighed the focus on golf.   

In summary, given the damage to the environment, wildlife, and the excessive time and money involved, I couldn’t agree more with the saying, “Golf is a good walk spoiled” which has been attributed to Mark Twain and a few others.  

Maria Grant was principal- in-charge of the Federal Human Capital practice of an international consulting firm. Since she retired, she has focused on writing, reading, piano, kayaking, nature, gardening, and travel.