When babies are born, doulas are non-medical persons who help a mother before, during and after childbirth, as well as spouses and family members, offering physical and emotional support.
As I recently learned after reading a Washington Post article, death or end-of-life doulas perform an equally valuable and unheralded service during a person’s last days and hours. They may do nothing more than just sit there during the last labored breaths. They may pray for the dying person’s soul. They ensure that the dying person is not alone.
Their presence is what counts. You enter and leave life with help and compassion.
Ellen McCarthy wrote in the Post article the following:
“As the baby boomers move into retirement, fresh consideration is given to what it means to grow old, which measures to take to treat illness and, ultimately, how we die. There’s a growing recognition among hospice workers and palliative-caregivers that pain management is not enough. That the spirt must be attended to as much as the body. And that the soon-to-be-bereaved need help along with the dying. It’s out of this recognition that death doulas are emerging. Most say they feel almost inexplicably called to the role. And profoundly touched by it.”
As someone who watched my father-in-law die at Talbot Hospice, surrounded not only by loving family but also by caring professionals, I was moved by the compassion for a person facing death. He wasn’t alone, nor were we. He was the recipient of the quiet applause and gratitude for a life well-lived.
I understand that Talbot Hospice, an invaluable community asset, has provided end-of-life doulas for the past several years. According to the Talbot Hospice website, “a doula is a specially trained volunteer who possesses a nurturing character and is enlightened in the process of death and dying.”
Doulas, as trained by Talbot Hospice, provide a sense of calm, companionship and emotional succor. They are trained to understand the physical indicators and symptoms of the passage of death. They do not judge. They facilitate communication between the patient, family and caregivers.
For years, I’ve known about Hospice volunteers and their incredible volunteer mission. In fact, my father-in-law, a person who was just as happy listening as talking, was a Hospice volunteer who spent hours with patients, before he himself became afflicted with prostate cancer.
Sometimes, he would say nothing and listen to stories. Sometimes he would play cards with patients. He was content to help and care. His emotions were always under control. He felt no need to dominate a conversation. I suspect he would have been a first-class doula.
The process of dying is a mystery. Some fight it. Some accept it. Some feel the need to talk, maybe about themselves, often about frayed family relationships and frequently about consequential events in their lives. It matters not what a person wants to talk about during their last days. What’s important is that the doula listens and does not judge. A sympathetic audience is sufficient.
Talbot Hospice has been fortunate over the years to attract many capable volunteers, including doulas, willing to participate in some way in helping the dying and their families face the end. The news is always hurtful, always emotionally wrenching. Family members must cling to memories to keep a relative or friend alive in their hearts and mind.
Grieving is natural and necessary. It can last a lifetime.
Death/end-of-life doulas perform a service perhaps understood by the patient and likely appreciated by the caregivers and family members. They see suffering. But they also see the beauty in the soul and heart of the weakened human being dying before their eyes.
It’s probably overreaching to characterize doulas as angels. It’s fair, however, to praise them as special messengers of empathy.
They are there as the final bell rings.
Columnist Howard Freedlander retired in 2011 as Deputy State Treasurer of the State of Maryland. Previously, he was the executive officer of the Maryland National Guard. He also served as community editor for Chesapeake Publishing, lastly at the Queen Anne’s Record-Observer. In retirement, Howard serves on the boards of several non-profits on the Eastern Shore, Annapolis and Philadelphia.
Caroline Cline says
Your thoughtful, and beautifully expressed commentary/column is indeed “food for thought”, Howard.