Trappe, Talbot County, Md. – July 23, 2021 — For Immediate Release.
The Talbot County Council Elders today announced the formation of a new aquaculture subcommittee, “The Trappe Family Slingers,” to study spraying aerosolized effluent near the living, breathing citizens of Trappe ad infinitum — and notably, as far distant from whence the Elders reside in Easton as distance will permit.
The Family Von Trappes, freshly scrubbed from an extended engagement at another waste management facility at the opposite end of Talbot County (where said treatment previously was gleefully cajoled down the watermens’ (what rhymes with “boats?”) promised to soothe the entirely valid, but ultimately unimportant concerns of locals by serenading them 24/7. This includes several of their hits (“quiet enjoyment” noise ordinances notwithstanding), such as “So Long, Farewell, Fresh Air Is Over-Rated” and “How Do You Solve A Problem Like E. Coli?”
Although a lawsuit has been filed (because of variations from plans previously agreed to), the Elders, like that stubborn ring ‘round the porcelain in your WC, nevertheless gurgle and stain ahead, a force unto themselves like a five gallon flush. And, despite almost, but not quite, successfully spending $200,000 to run a single sewer line for one, lonely County commode (“Game of Throne”), The Elders scattered attention has now turned like Sauron’s Eye to furnishing an exuberant abundance of airborne, perfectly inhalable particles of what was described by one Trappian as “Not Chanel No. 5.”
An “Old Faithful,” Yellowstone geyser consisting of 520,000 gallons of pungent, odiferous “waist-water” daily, to be precise. Sprayed whether the weather is breezy or not, by the by. Breezy best, by the way. Breathe deep.
Finally, the Elders have asked the Family Trappes to celebrate their recent achievement(s) in an ode penned just for them. Anonymous sources (pinching their noses) say it will recount their courageous acts in “The Great Battle Of Lead From Behind.”
In pulling up the drawbridge of public access spanning the treacherous moat surrounding Castle Bradley, the Elders have craftily, yet carefully constricted the few fortunate living commentators to those “in-person” in their COVID-19 super-spreader Petri dish on N. Washington. The Elders are nevertheless enthused about The Trappes and hearing their special swan song, written for themselves, sure to make it into the Pantheon of musical infamy known as the The Great American Sludgebook. Come hear the premier performance this Tuesday night at 6:00 p.m., 15 N. Washington St., Easton, MD. If you have trouble finding the location, follow your nose.
Keith Watts is a speaker, lawyer, author, poet & mediator who lives on Tilghman Island.