Life’s lessons by Angela Rieck

Retirement is called the gift because it allows us to reflect on what we have learned in life. By now most of us have become comfortable in our own skin. 

I was talking to a friend about principles that I have learned, but still sometimes find hard to follow. The first is about criticism and praise. Like everyone, I enjoy praise, and I sometimes overreact to criticism. Long ago, I learned that praise or criticism has less to do with me and more about the person who is dispensing it. 

Let me explain. Praise is the hardest concept to understand. When someone praises you it is because they appreciate something about you. For example, I was blessed with my grandmother’s blue eyes, and I get compliments on them. But the compliments are only from people who value blue eyes. But I always like hearing it. 

Praise is even more valued when the praise is about a core value. For example, I am trying, with emphasis on the word “trying,” to be kind as that is something I value. When I receive praise for that, it feels very good because it aligns with my core value. The person giving it probably shares that core value.

Criticism is easy to dismiss when you recognize that it is about the person that is giving it. Back to my blue eyes example, if someone really liked brown eyes and not blue eyes, they might criticize my eyes as bloodshot or pale. It is easy for me to ignore that criticism because I know that this is their individual preference and has nothing to do with the eyes I was born with. However, if I am criticized for not being kind that is a core value that will hurt more and I will need to assess if it is valid. I might determine that their criticism indicates that their views about kindness are different from mine. For example, what if I ask someone who butted in front of a long line (which in my value system is not kind) if they are aware where the end of the line is? They might respond that they didn’t know and thank me (which happens most of the time) or they might respond that I am being rude (unkind). Then I have to take my values of kindness and decide to accept or reject their criticism. 

Another situation that I am seeing more of these days is adult bullying. Bullying can arise from a desire to exert dominance, a need to bolster one’s own fragile self-image, a profound lack of empathy, or a recognition of wrongdoing. Therefore, when being exposed to bullies it is important to realize their bullying is not about you, it is about their need to assert themselves. Adult bullies often disregard the personal limits or rules others have set. They tend to attack someone’s character, appearance, abilities, or background. Public shaming is another tactic that involves humiliating or embarrassing someone in front of others. There is also cyberbullying through social media, emails, or messaging apps.

Most people who are demeaned often feel less than, but the secret is that most observers actually see the bully in a negative light and are sympathetic to the person who is the victim. 

And that knowledge is important. 

Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” She understood the power of self-belief and the importance of not allowing others to dictate our self-worth. While bullies may try to make us feel bad about ourselves, ultimately, it’s our choice to accept those feelings. Since the offender’s motivations are about themselves, it is easier to make the choice not to be affected by bullying.

Equally important is that most who witness this “humiliation” are actually in the corner of the victim. 

Gandhi shared a similar perspective, “They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them.” Mahatma Gandhi also believed that self-respect is critical in life, stating that “I cannot conceive of a greater loss than the loss of one’s self-respect.” To Gandhi, all individuals, regardless of their circumstances, possess inherent dignity and self-worth. 

And that is the important lesson; by allowing bullies to humiliate us, we are allowing them to take away something that is inherently ours. 

It’s a good reminder that in these times we need to hold onto our own self-worth and be confident in who we are. It allows the criticism and bullying to be recognized for what it is, a seriously flawed person lashing out into empty space.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.