This week my dog, Annie, an (almost) 19-year-old cockapoo passed away. My grief is immeasurable.
At the end she had dementia, cataracts, and was deaf; but she loved to be by my side or watch Annie TV (watching the birds, squirrels, and bunnies running around the yard). Annie was not a normal dog, nor was she a normal rescue dog. But she adapted in ways that no one expected. She lived a happy life, loving squeaky toys, being petted on the backside, bouncing around the house joyfully, and barking (not my personal favorite).
Annie came to me from a rescue organization in NJ where I was a volunteer. All of the other rescue groups passed on Annie because she was feral. I reluctantly agreed to take her, I already had four dogs (two of my own and two from an elderly friend who passed away) and a busy life; but I was the only real option. The other fosters were taking 8-10 dogs, and we knew that Annie was going to need more attention than they could give.
Annie was born in a puppy mill to a traumatized puppy mill mother. Unfortunately for Annie, she was a beautiful, a white cockapoo with big brown, doe eyes. She was larger than most dogs and the puppy miller knew that she would produce a lot of pretty babies. She was sold to another puppy mill. She fetched a good price.
Annie’s original home was the back of tractor trailer stuffed with dogs in crates. It had little light, no air conditioning, or heat. In was a dark, filthy, deafening home where she spent her whole life in a cage. The dogs barked incessantly, trying to alert someone, anyone, to their plight. Annie stayed in the back of her crate and trembled. There were no trays underneath the cages, allowing the poo and pee from the dogs in the above crates to rain down on dogs in the lower crates. Her feet were splayed from never being able to stand on a solid surface. When she was covered with feces and urine, she was yanked out and hosed down no matter the weather.
Annie arrived with severely matted fur covered in excrement, her eyes were matted shut, she was unable to move, and her butt was severely matted. Our organization took her, vetted her, shaved her down; took care of her physical needs. It was my job to work on emotional needs.
Annie had a long way to go. She was at 60% of her body weight and feral. She bit vigorously and continuously. When she was not attacking, she was running and hiding, always trying to escape. She was terrified of humans, dogs, the outdoors (which she had never seen), and the world in general. Grass was scary, bunnies and birds, everything was there to hurt her. After I put her in the house, I made a cardinal error of taking her leash off. It took me an hour to catch her; she bit me more than 20 times.
I worked with her slowly, but her formative years had taken their toll. She never learned cause and effect. She had learned that no matter what she did, her life would be one of abuse and neglect. It was hard to get her to eat quality food. She ate boiled potatoes (a staple in puppy mills), and it took weeks to get her to eat meat and other foods that are natural to animals.
It was not the easiest of journeys. It took six years to housetrain her. Food was not a motivator. She was originally suspicious of every treat, food, and toy. She could be frozen in her past trauma.
But Annie was very resilient and eager to please. She stopped biting by the end of the first year, determined to be feral no longer. Annie had too sweet a disposition for what happened to her. Annie was too trusting, too loving, and too kind for her abysmal treatment.
Some people give me credit for her transformation. But the truth is that it was her. She was willing to let go of her fears and see if another world was friendly to her. She was willing to trust.
Over time, Annnie became a sweet, loving dog. I learned a lot of lessons from Annie. She taught me that a fearful, feral dog can become a loving, sweet, happy, gal. Annie never gave up trying to fit in. She taught me how animals and people who are abused in their youth bear permanent scars and how fragile trust can be.
She also taught me about empathy. The Annie that I first met had no prospect of a happy life. But she was willing to open up to another world.
After caring for Annie, I understand the permanent scars that remain after childhood abuse, especially sexual abuse by trusted institutions. But Annie’s resiliency is in everyone. Annie taught me patience. Changes can take years…but Annie taught me that they will come.
Annie ended up living a long, happy life, she was joyous, carefree and always so sweet. She was kind to people and animals. I think I will miss her sweetness the most.
Sorry for the picture, but Annie was afraid of phones pointed at her.
Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.
MJ Wyant says
What a tear- inducing story! Thanks to you and to all who take these abused animals and give them such incredible love and patience. All those who have loved deeply can feel your sorrow.
ANGELA M RIECK says
Someone once told me that when you have a pet, they break your heart every 10 years, in Annie’s case it was 19…Thank you for your support.
Mary Hunt-Miller says
Angela,
So sorry about your loss of Annie! It appears to me that you and she were meant to be together. You gave her a long, full, happy life and she thanked you for it with her love.
ANGELA M RIECK says
She was a real sweet dog, thank you for your kind words.
Francine DeSanctis says
Thank you,Angela for telling us about Annie’s redemption of life. In essence you gave her a chance to be loved. I’m sure your grief must be great, especially for a girl with special needs. I raised a cat with physical challenges who would have otherwise been euthanized at a young age. I like to think her few years with me, showed her love she’d never known. I know it did for me, too.
Thank you for helping me remember.
ANGELA M RIECK says
What a wonderful story, you gave that cat a life that no one else would. Thank you.
ANGELA M RIECK says
Thank you for saving that little cat, you truly saved her and I’ll bet that she repaid it in full.
Michael Davis says
Such a sweet and inspiring essay. I have adopted three traumatized animals, none of whom were as challenged as Annie. You did wonderful work providing her a good life, and the animals do give back to you.
ANGELA M RIECK says
There is something special about how much a traumatized animal gives their love back. Thank you for reading and sharing.
Liz Freedlander says
The Beatitudes ought to include “Blessed are those who rescue abused dogs for they shall be rewarded with a special canine love.”
ANGELA M RIECK says
What a beautiful sentiment. Thank for being a kind reader.
Suzanne Todd says
You and Annie became a loving team, meant for each other. Thank you for this story about seeing the good and never giving up. So special.
ANGELA M RIECK says
Thank you for reading, actually it was Annie who was so amazing…I miss her.
Jonathon Powers says
Ms.Rieck: A beautifully worded piece for what I must trust was a wonderful animal. And if you have Liz Freedlander reading your Work you can only be doubly blessed.
Wait a short while and get another one. A beagle or a collie I suggest.
Jon Powers
ANGELA M RIECK says
Thank you for your thoughtful and kind comments.
Caroline Thomas says
Thank you for loving Annie.
ANGELA M RIECK says
Thank you for writing such a lovely comment. (And for reading, too!)
David Back says
Hello,
I can fully sympathize for your loss. We have had Golden retievers in our family for over 25 years and these loving pups do not have the longevity of other breeds. To research this, the Morris Animal Foundation created a study over ten years ago where 3000+ purebred Golden Retievers were selected and all of their medical history was collected by the foundation. Some amazing results have been discovered from the study but sadly, now ten plus years since its inception over half of the “Hero” dogs as to which they are referred to, have left us. Our loving Golden, Cooper, Hero #1247 left us last September at the age of eleven. The Heroes who have left us are referred to as “Angel Heroes”. His Golden brother, Healey is with us with a new mate, Frazer. I would like to invite you to attend the May 9th and 10th Golden Jubilee at Dewey Beach, DE where the beach is opened for the weekend to all socially friendly dogs. A typical turn-out is about two-hundred fun loving pets scampering along the beach and the ocean. It’s a dog lover’s paradise for a day. For information can be found here. https://deweysgoldenjubilee.com/
ANGELA M RIECK says
These animals give so much, which is why your hearts breaks so much. Thank you for letting everyone know about the Golden Jubilee, it sounds like a great event.
Maria Grant says
Angela, So sorry for your loss of Annie. Please know how lucky Annie was that you adopted her. Take care.
Angela Rieck says
Thank you Maria, that is very sweet.
Barbara Perry says
Such a beautiful story about your sweet dog Annie. It is never easy to say goodbye to our cherished pets but you gave her a wonderful life and saved her too. She obviously helped save you too.
ANGELA M RIECK says
Thank you for reading, you are right, she sure did help me so much.
Deborah Colborn says
Angela, Thank you so much for sharing the story of Annie with us. I was moved to tears over her abusive life and the care you gave her. It is hard for me to cry so this was cathartic …in a good way. It is incomprehensible to me that people can keep a living creature in those conditions. Thank you for all your years of hard work to restore her to a meaningful life. I know you are missing her very much.
Angela Rieck says
Thank you for being a reader and understanding her story, in many ways it is life affirming, that someone so abused could become such a sweet dog…I do miss her very much.