“Waiter, these seats are uncomfortable.”
“Waiter, the fans are too fast, can you turn them off?”
The waiter patiently explains that the fans are for everyone.
“Waiter, we need to change tables, it is uncomfortable.”
I am dining with two very successful men and their wives. They are white males from a middle class background, who worked hard for their success and now are enjoying the fruits of their labor, while their wives cringe at their entitlement.
Earlier, I was with a friend whose son had just died from an apparent heart attack. We became close after his wife died, sharing a common grief. I can now count six friends in Key West who have lost a son. Other friends have lost spouses. We sit together quietly at the dog park in the space of the newest loss.
“Waiter, I need more water.”
I am doing a slow burn. These men have no compassion for how busy these servers are and the restaurant is full. But it is not their fault.
Neither has experienced the loss that silences privilege.
I remember watching a talk by Joan Didion, who lost both her husband and daughter within 18 months. She was exhorting the audience to understand the depth of loss that was coming. Her adoring audience smiled and applauded as she got more and more frustrated that they were not getting her message.
Before my loss, I would have empathized, but I couldn’t have understood either.
“Waiter, where is my water?”
I quash my impulse to lash out. These men haven’t been quieted by devastating sorrow, overwhelming grief, or crippling loss. They can’t hear that silence.
And I remember when I was rude to a technical support technician in India because I couldn’t understand her accent. Or the time when I was annoyed with the waiter for forgetting my request for “no onions” on my salad.
Fundamental loss has made me more compassionate. But it was a high price to pay. And I hope that these gentlemen will never experience the excruciating ache of longing.
“Waiter, more bread here.”
Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.
Ann Farrell says
I really appreciate this sentiment and saddened all the losses and how front-line workers – Nurses, Teachers, Wait-staff – have been treated. Though heroes far too many harassed, not honored. With so many deaths, small annoyances pale by comparison.
Local Nextdoor post notes while many are whining about a few bare shelves in stores people in Ukraine are fleeing for their lives. Several responses complained about use of word “whine” not the sentiment. Strange times.
Angela Rieck says
One of my book clubs is reading The Book of Joy which describes the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu’s exchange on life. One of their points was that when you feel frustrated, think of the sufferings of others and it will put yours in perspective. You have shown your skills in doing so. It is nice to hear from you.
Stephen Schaare says
Why on Earth would you dine with such rude, uncouth people? Are you punishing yourself?
Certainly you must know this offensive behavior is learned in the home. Widely known as ” modeling” from the parents.
Has absolutely nothing to do with financial status or race. All people from all backgrounds display different behavior. It comes from the home.
Angela Rieck says
Even though we rarely agree, I appreciate your reading my columns. You have a point, that is sure. In this column I am searching for understanding. I remember the feeling when the wind is at my back when I am cycling and thinking that I am an awesome cycler…only to discover that my cycling skills change dramatically when the wind is in my face. And I think that this is the instance here, until you get the wind driving against you, it is hard to see what is really happening.
Stephen Schaare says
Hi Angela, Thank you, I understand. Believe I veered off the highway and was thinking of the early imprinting of Freud, and the “sponge like” learning nature of children posited by Vygotsky.
We are good-Steve